“The best time to plant a tree is yesterday”
There are times when you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, you may hear conflicting counsel that seems to be contradictory to each other, but which is actually complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. That’s what we are going to be talking about in the next weeks, in both the www.LeadershipEzra.com website articles and on the weekly podcast. We will be looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, or at least differ from each other, and we are going to pair them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. Today, in part 2, we are discussing the first half of a pair, and will be talking about the idea of “You see what you are looking for”.
Whether we realize it or not, we all develop perceptions of how we need to experience the world around us. Those perceptions, it seems, are often based on either past experience or future expectation, or a combination of both. We either have an experience, positive or negative, real or imagined, or we have a specific expectation that we are anticipating, and we then form a perception based on which we look for a certain outcome, and only see the things that confirm that outcome.
I once worked with a teacher who was a dynamic and engaging teacher, and students loved being in his classroom because of it. However, despite his fantastic communication skills in the classroom (which he enjoyed), he struggled with the task of giving students feedback, especially in the form of analysis and grading of assignments that the students turned in. He was an English teacher who, ironically, did not enjoy reading and writing responses to the students’ work. As a result, and even though they enjoyed his teaching methods, they were getting increasingly frustrated with the lack of timely feedback, which they needed in order to make changes and improvements in what they were learning. They began to complain to their parents, who then started to email him, and he was not consistent or timely in responding to those emails. Perhaps because he didn’t enjoy conflict, perhaps because he knew where he was dropping the ball, and sometimes simply because the parents emailed using an incorrect email address. Regardless, I began to hear that “Mr. Teacher never responds to my emails!” When I met with him to discuss this, he showed me copies of emails that he replied to in an effort to show me that, to say he never replied to emails was not true. However, when I pressed, he had to admit that there were a number of parents to whom he had not replied or to whom he had taken a week or two to reply. So I helped him see that he had created the perception that he did not answer emails by failing to do so consistently. And now, because of that perception, he had a reputation as the teacher who never responded.
We talked for a while and put together a plan for him to change that perception. It’s probably more accurate to say that I gave him a plan that I expected him to follow. In essence, I told him that he needed to reply to every single email within the next 24-hour business day, without fail, for the next 9 weeks. I believed that he could change that perception if he would prove to the parents with his actions that he was not the person, at least not anymore. But I also told him that if he missed, even one time, then the parents would probably jump on it and tell me, “See, he never responds.” Why would they do that? Well, it’s because you tend to only see what you are looking for.
You see, the past experience of these parents had resulted in a future expectation of the teacher’s behavior. Therefore, even if he did do what he was supposed to do most of the time, they would likely only notice the times he missed. They formed the idea that he did not give feedback to their kids, and he did not communicate to parents, and any time he failed to respond to a parent therefore affirmed what they believed to be true. Even if it largely became untrue with changes in his behavior, they were still looking for him to not respond based on their past experience, so they would only see the times he lived up – or down – to that expectation.
We need to recognize that this is a part of our human behavior. Whether in positive ways or in negative ways, we look for what we expect to see. If there is something you regularly do in your leadership that people value, even if you don’t do it all the time, they will see it when you do because that’s what they are looking for. The same is true for the opposite – if you do something enough times that frustrates people (and sometimes it only takes a couple of times), they will form the perception that that’s what you do, then they all see the times you do those things.
Where does this leave you? With two important thoughts:
- Be self-aware. Recognize that you will do this just as much as anyone else, and check yourself to make sure you are seeing things in truth.
- Be intentional about cultivating and protecting the reputation of your character. If you want people to see you as a leader of integrity, make sure they see it consistently so that they will give you grace with your mistakes, because they know that’s not what they would normally see. They will only see (and remember) what they are looking for.
Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, we will explore the idea that “You see what you are looking for,” and next week, “You don’t see what you are not looking for.”
You have probably heard as often as I have that “perception is reality,” but the problem of perception is that you tend to see what you are looking for, whether it is there or not.
Here’s what happens: a person will form a perception about someone or something (usually based on an experience), and then will only see those things that reinforce that perception, therefore confirming its truth to that person. For example, if I have had an experience of clumsily stubbing my toe, I might begin to form the perception that I am not graceful. I might then walk around my house for two weeks without stubbing my toe, but the next time I do stub my toe, I will say to myself, “See, look how ungraceful you are.” Rather than giving credit to how rarely I do it, I see the occasional time that I do, and see it as a confirmation of my clumsiness.
This happens all the time in organizations. Someone has a bad customer service experience, an unmet (or unrealistic) expectation, or has misinterpreted something due to misinformation or lack of context, and then they form a perception about you or about the organization. From that point forward, they tend to only notice those things that reinforce that perception. So if they have formed a perception that you don’t care about your constituents, you may be demonstrating care frequently, but the next time you ignore their needs or don’t act helpful (whether unintentional or not), they see that as confirmation and reinforcement of their perception. Once that perception is in place, they will interpret everything through that lens. They will only see what they expect to see, or what they are looking for.
As a school administrator, I have had several instances of a teacher being perceived as a poor communicator. In most of those circumstances, it began with the unintentional failure of the teacher to respond to a parent’s email. In some cases, that parent’s email was flagged as spam, but more frequently, the parent had misspelled the teacher’s email address, so the email was never received. Because there was no response, the parent began to believe the teacher did not communicate well with parents, and any email after that that did not receive a response reinforced that belief, and the parent began to spread that view among other parents. At that point, if the teacher answered a hundred emails and missed one, the one miss would reinforce the perception that had been formed. Once the issue came to light, it usually was a difficult process to correct that perception.
This can be frustrating, especially if you know the perception is wrong, and it can be very challenging and difficult to change. So what do you do when this happens? There are four practical steps you can take:
- Look for the truth in the perception. There was most likely some event or circumstance that initially prompted this perception. It may have been no fault of your own, or you may have simply messed up. Regardless, look for the mistake that has been made that needs to be corrected, whether it was a one-time event or an ongoing problem.
- Re-set. Address the cause of perception and take any necessary steps to correct what needs to be corrected. Communicate what you are doing to those who have been affected so that they can have an adjusted view (but also remember, they will likely be hesitant to believe any different until you prove otherwise).
- Over-compensate. For a period of time, you will need to go overboard to counter the perception. People will be watching closely to see if their perception is valid or not, so you will be under scrutiny. This is going to be challenging and requires work, but it must be done until expectations have been properly re-aligned.
- Create a new expectation. With the expectations appropriately established, now you can communicate the new (and realistic) expectations. If you have proven that you can be trusted, and have set realistic expectations that can be met, then you will start a new cycle of validating the new and positive perceptions.
Remember that we can be just as guilty of this perception error as anyone else; therefore, it is important that we become self-aware of this problem of perception in ourselves. Check yourself to make sure that you are seeing things correctly and that you are not letting a single experience, misinformation, or incomplete information become the filter through which you are viewing everything. To change those perceptions requires intentional work because remember, it is our tendency to see only what we are looking for.
This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part one in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.
There are times when you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, you may hear conflicting counsel that seems to be contradictory to each other, but which is actually complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. It may be because they are two sides of the same coin, both of which are true depending on where or how you approach the situation. It may be because they are opposite but equally valid ideas that are intended to be applied in different circumstances. Or it may even be because they are parallel ideas that are intended to be used in unison. Regardless, they can be paired together, and both can be used in different ways, at different times, or side by side.
That’s what we are talking about in this series, in both the website articles and on the weekly podcast. We are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other, using them both to make you a better leader.
Today, in part 1, we are starting by introducing the overarching concept for the series.
Early in my leadership experience, it was emphasized to me that I needed to know my weaknesses so that I could work on them and develop them into strengths in order to become an effective leader. I wanted to lead well, so I set about trying to do just that. However, I did not consider my personal nature and how that affected my leadership style. You see, I am a very analytical introvert. That means that I take time to think about things first. In fact, my first response is not going to be as good as my later response, so I would keep my first response to myself until after I had taken time to process my thoughts. I did not want to assert myself aggressively into settings or conversations. I did not enjoy conflict. I liked to ensure an orderly process and procedure that made sense, and could be more focused on the procedure than on the people involved in the process. The challenge this created for me was that I began trying to be someone I was not, rather than trying to learn to lead well according to my giftedness. And therefore, I was becoming miserable. Then I read a book that seemed to give the opposite advice. The premise was that I needed to know my strengths and weaknesses so that I could focus on working within my strengths while letting other people whose strengths offset my weaknesses work within their strengths. The end result would be that all the gaps would be filled, and I would be doing only what I did well. I dove into this, in part because it let off the hook of improving things that I struggled with. The challenge that this new – and opposite – perspective created for me was that there were things I needed to take the lead on and address, even though they were hard for me, but I was leaving them for someone else which then was calling my leadership effectiveness into question.
So, after first trying to focus only on my weaknesses, which made me miserable, and then trying to focus only on my strengths, which made me ignore things I needed to address, I finally figured out that there was truth in both approaches and that they actually needed to be used together. I figured out that they were complementary contradictions. Yes, I need to emphasize my strengths to my advantage while also using the strengths of the team around me to offset my weaknesses, but I also need to grow as a leader by learning how to strengthen the areas in which I struggled, and still be myself. For example, when I started as the head of school at a new school, I knew that my introversion made it hard for me to be gregarious at public events, like concerts and football games, and that I am not someone who can “work the crowd.” But at the same time, I knew that it was important to connect with people and that I am good at engaging with people one-on-one. So, I would go to events and stand where people would pass by me and let opportunities for face-to-face conversations happen organically. In doing that, I connected on a personal level with a lot of people, without having to do so in an extroverted manner that didn’t match my strengths.
The truth is, those two different approaches to leadership both had elements of truth. On the one hand, when working with a team, it is important to have a variety of strengths within the team that work together well while filling in gaps. But on the other hand, sometimes the team is not there (or the work you are doing is by yourself), and you don’t have that luxury, so you have to become competent at the things that are more difficult for you to do. Or, on the one hand, It is important for you to focus on strengths so that they become even better, because a lack of exercise in those areas will lead to diminished strength. But on the other hand, at the same time, you still need to identify the things that are challenging for you just because they are not in your wheelhouse or not things you enjoy, and work to strengthen those to a greater level of ability so that you can do them when necessary. Failing to do that will likely cause important things to be neglected, which will have consequences.
This all serves as an example of the point we are making in this series that there are leadership principles and practices that may seem to be contradictory to each other, but which are actually both true, depending on the need or the circumstance. Before you choose one or the other, perhaps you should first think about the valuable lessons found in both and figure out how to apply them cooperatively.
Coming back full circle, that’s what we will be doing in the next few weeks. One week, we’ll talk about “When a plan comes together,” and the next week, we’ll talk about “When a plan falls apart.” Or, one week, we’ll talk about “Do what works,” and the next week, we’ll talk about “If it doesn’t work, do something different.” You get the picture. We will be identifying and discussing complementary contradictions as pairs of principles that play well together so that you can become a better leader by incorporating both pieces of advice, not just one or the other.
Have you ever received conflicting words of advice? You know, two different people or two different sources telling you to do opposite things. Or even two different clichés that could apply, but they seem to contradict each other? For example, “Many hands make light work,” and “Too many cooks spoil the pot.” Do you need a lot of people to help, or do you need people to get out of the way? Even the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament seems to do this, when it says in Proverbs 26:4, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him,” but then the very next verse says, “Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.” These conflicting or contradictory pieces of advice seem to leave you in a pickle. You don’t know whose advice to follow or what you are supposed to do.
Sometimes, it’s true that you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are actually complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. It may be because they are two sides of the same coin, both of which are true depending on where or how you approach the situation. It may be because they are opposite but equally valid ideas that are intended to be applied in different circumstances. Or it may even be because they are parallel ideas that are intended to be used in unison. Regardless, they can be paired together, and both can be used in different ways, at different times, or side by side.
That’s what we are going to be talking about in the next weeks, in the website articles and on the weekly podcast. We will be looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, or at least differ from each other, and we are going to pair them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. For example, one week, we’ll talk about “When a plan comes together,” and the next week, we’ll talk about “When a plan falls apart.” Or, one week, we’ll talk about “Do what works,” and the next week, we’ll talk about “If it doesn’t work, do something different.” You get the picture. We’ll be looking at 5 or 6 of these pairs and learn some things that help you become a better decision-maker in your leadership.
The goal in front of us is to see how these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and can play well together so that you can use them to become a better leader. There are many situations you will face, many dilemmas to resolve, many choices to make, and many circumstances to address. Let’s learn how we can handle these things even better by putting these complementary contradictions together.
“Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve . . . But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15
This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part ten in the series titled “Without Compromise.” Here is the transcript of the podcast:
Have you struggled with compromise or conformity? That’s the ongoing question we are talking about in this series. Today’s discussion is the ninth in the series, and all of them are based on a study of Daniel chapter 1 and correspond to the articles posted each week on the Leadership Ezra website. The big idea we are discussing is how you can navigate pressure without deviating from your values – specifically, the pressure to compromise or conform in an unhealthy or immoral way. It’s really a discussion of how to lead and live with excellence without compromising your faith. And today, it’s time for you to decide what your commitment will be.
Years ago, early in my teaching experience, I heard my principal, Brooks Everett, give a chapel message to students based on Joshua 24. It stuck with me, and over the years I have used the ideas he shared in conversations with others, and so I am doing the same here. Here’s the basic story:
Joshua and the people had finished all their battles in conquering the land of Canaan, which was followed by dividing it up among the tribes. Joshua had lived through the escape from slavery in Egypt, the establishment of the nation at Mt. Sinai, the 40 years of wandering in the desert, and then finally the conquest of Canaan. At the end of all that, he gathered everyone together and very carefully reviewed the lessons that had been learned from their experiences. After reviewing their experiences, he issued them a challenge in verses 14 and 15 and said, “Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in sincerity and in truth, and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord! 15 And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.” (And here’s the part that everyone knows and quotes.) “But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” His assumption was that the people – collectively and individually – would serve someone (or something), but it would be up to them to decide who or what it would be. Joshua planted his flag in the ground on serving God and threw down the gauntlet.
When they responded by saying, “We’re with you, Joshua! We will also serve the Lord!”, that’s where the story gets a little interesting. Joshua looked around at the crowd, considered what they said, and replied by stating, “No, you won’t.” He tells them that they are going to end up quickly turning away from God, who will then have to chastise them and administer consequences for their unfaithfulness and broken promises. Once again, the people say to him, “No, really and truly we will serve the Lord!” That’s when Joshua challenges them to look around, to notice who is making this commitment, and to hold each other accountable.
Joshua and the Israelites were at a crossroads, and they needed to make a decision. The decision they would make was future-focused – they were deciding their behavior and their response to what they would face in their foreseeable future. That serves as an example for you and me. We will be facing pressure to compromise at different times and in different ways, and it would be wise for us to determine ahead of time what actions we will take when it happens. This seems like a simple truth, but it’s one that I had to repeat and emphasize over the years to teenagers that I interacted with; otherwise, when they would not take the time to do this, they would wilt under pressure because the prior commitment wasn’t there. In the middle of a crisis, it’s much harder to make that commitment at the moment and in the moment, so it behooves you to be proactive and decide ahead of time. And as we learned from Daniel early in this podcast and website series, that process begins by first establishing and committing to your beliefs.
What does that mean for you? It means this: first, be clear and confident of what you believe, of your worldview. My worldview is based on the truth of Scripture and the confidence that God is the Creator of the Universe and the source of wisdom and truth. You have to decide what yours is. Then, consistently make your decisions and take your actions today that reflect your worldview. Finally, commit to holding true to that worldview in your decisions and actions tomorrow when you face the pressure to compromise.
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The bottom line is that your ability to resist the pressure to compromise tomorrow is directly tied to your commitment to hold to your worldview today. If you are not prepared before it happens, you will find it very difficult to resist, and are much more likely to give in and compromise your faith.
When we circle back to Daniel as our model of this, I end up in Daniel 1:8, which tells us that “Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself.” He decided ahead of time that he was going to hold strong to his belief in God and to the resulting implications and principles that aligned with that belief. When the pressure came, he was able to resist. Now, it’s your turn to make that commitment. Will you commit to holding fast to your faith in face of pressure? You get to decide.
When I started a personal Bible study on the book of Ezra several years ago, I wasn’t expecting that I would turn my own study notes into a book about leadership, but that’s what happened (Leadership Ezra, available on Amazon). When that was done, I started a study of Daniel, and never made it past the first chapter before organizing my personal notes into a series of valuable lessons to share with students. As time has gone on, God seems to be prompting me to do more with it, so I have begun the process of turning my notes into short articles, that will then become the basis for chapters in a book (current working title: “Without Compromise: Leading with integrity in the face of pressure”).
The underlying basis of the story is this: In the time and world of Daniel, Israel and the capital city of Jerusalem were invaded and captured. In that process, the most gifted and talented young men were given a “scholarship” [albeit, against their will] to attend the most elite private school in the known world, one designed to prepare leaders & experts (Daniel 1:3). Upon graduation, Daniel and his friends were at the top of the class and were hired into executive leadership positions right out of school (Daniel 1:17-20). But here’s an incredibly significant observation: In between . . . they refused to compromise their faith, values, and integrity.
Now, it’s time for you to decide if you will make the same commitment!
The Bible provides us with a great example of this in the book of Joshua, in chapter 24, when Joshua and the people had finished all their battles in conquering the land of Canaan, which was followed by dividing it up among the tribes. Joshua had lived through the escape from slavery in Egypt, the establishment of the nation at Mt. Sinai, the 40 years of wandering in the desert, and then finally the conquest of Canaan. At the end of all that, he gathered everyone together and very carefully reviewed the lessons that had been learned from their experiences. After reviewing their experiences, he issued them a challenge in verses 14 and 15 and said, “Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in sincerity and in truth, and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord! 15 And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” His assumption was that they would serve someone (or something), but they would get to decide who or what it would be. He planted his flag in the ground on serving God and threw down the gauntlet.
Whether you have realized it yet or not, you will believe and follow something. We have learned from Daniel’s experience in Daniel 1 that your beliefs and your actions go together. Ultimately, your beliefs will determine what you value (or what you will serve), which will then determine your behavior. Therefore, the reverse is also true: your behavior reveals what you value, which in turn reveals what you believe. You now get to decide your starting point: What do you believe, and therefore, who or what will you follow? Will you choose God, like Joshua, and will you do it without compromise, like Daniel? You are the one who chooses for yourself what your story will be.
We have walked through several principles that you can apply to avoid compromise while maintaining excellence, but you must understand that it doesn’t happen by accident. Daniel modeled for us what we are striving for, which is the commitment to integrity in our character and faith, and excellence in our work, both at the same time. The world would have you think that you must leave your faith at the door when you go out into the real world, but I would contend wholeheartedly that you can be both Christian and excellent without compromising either. But to do so, you must intentionally and consciously commit to a belief in the God of the Bible and the accompanying principles by which you set your values and make your decisions, and you must consistently live those out in daily life. Leading with excellence while living without compromise is up to you. You decide.
“But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself . . .” Daniel 1:8