Complementary Contradictions (part 2): You See What You Are Looking For

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, we will explore the idea that “You see what you are looking for,” and next week, “You don’t see what you are not looking for.”

You have probably heard as often as I have that “perception is reality,” but the problem of perception is that you tend to see what you are looking for, whether it is there or not.

Here’s what happens: a person will form a perception about someone or something (usually based on an experience), and then will only see those things that reinforce that perception, therefore confirming its truth to that person. For example, if I have had an experience of clumsily stubbing my toe, I might begin to form the perception that I am not graceful. I might then walk around my house for two weeks without stubbing my toe, but the next time I do stub my toe, I will say to myself, “See, look how ungraceful you are.” Rather than giving credit to how rarely I do it, I see the occasional time that I do, and see it as a confirmation of my clumsiness.

This happens all the time in organizations. Someone has a bad customer service experience, an unmet (or unrealistic) expectation, or has misinterpreted something due to misinformation or lack of context, and then they form a perception about you or about the organization. From that point forward, they tend to only notice those things that reinforce that perception.   So if they have formed a perception that you don’t care about your constituents, you may be demonstrating care frequently, but the next time you ignore their needs or don’t act helpful (whether unintentional or not), they see that as confirmation and reinforcement of their perception. Once that perception is in place, they will interpret everything through that lens. They will only see what they expect to see, or what they are looking for.

As a school administrator, I have had several instances of a teacher being perceived as a poor communicator. In most of those circumstances, it began with the unintentional failure of the teacher to respond to a parent’s email. In some cases, that parent’s email was flagged as spam, but more frequently, the parent had misspelled the teacher’s email address, so the email was never received. Because there was no response, the parent began to believe the teacher did not communicate well with parents, and any email after that that did not receive a response reinforced that belief, and the parent began to spread that view among other parents. At that point, if the teacher answered a hundred emails and missed one, the one miss would reinforce the perception that had been formed. Once the issue came to light, it usually was a difficult process to correct that perception.

This can be frustrating, especially if you know the perception is wrong, and it can be very challenging and difficult to change. So what do you do when this happens? There are four practical steps you can take:

1. Look for the truth in the perception. There was most likely some event or circumstance that initially prompted this perception. It may have been no fault of your own, or you may have simply messed up. Regardless, look for the mistake that has been made that needs to be corrected, whether it was a one-time event or an ongoing problem.
2. Re-set. Address the cause of perception and take any necessary steps to correct what needs to be corrected. Communicate what you are doing to those who have been affected so that they can have an adjusted view (but also remember, they will likely be hesitant to believe any different until you prove otherwise).
3. Over-compensate. For a period of time, you will need to go overboard to counter the perception. People will be watching closely to see if their perception is valid or not, so you will be under scrutiny. This is going to be challenging and requires work, but it must be done until expectations have been properly re-aligned.
4. Create a new expectation. With the expectations appropriately established, now you can communicate the new (and realistic) expectations. If you have proven that you can be trusted, and have set realistic expectations that can be met, then you will start a new cycle of validating the new and positive perceptions.

Remember that we can be just as guilty of this perception error as anyone else; therefore, it is important that we become self-aware of this problem of perception in ourselves. Check yourself to make sure that you are seeing things correctly and that you are not letting a single experience, misinformation, or incomplete information become the filter through which you are viewing everything. To change those perceptions requires intentional work because remember, it is our tendency to see only what we are looking for.