Podcast Episode 39 (part 12): Close Your Mouth and Open Your Ears
This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part twelve in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.
Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, in part 12, we talk about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and next week, in part 13, we will talk about the value of using our words well.
It’s no secret that communication is essential to healthy relationships. Everyone understands that poor communication will damage marriages, derail businesses, and destroy friendships. And yet, so many people struggle to communicate in a way that is good for those relationships and contexts. If, therefore, we understand how important it is, and also understand how hard it is to do it well, we ought to be intentional about how we do it. And at its core, communication is a two-way street that consists of sending and receiving. In other words, the two most basic components of the communication process are what we say and what we hear. Today, we’re talking about the importance of what we hear; or, the importance of listening.
I’m going to share the same story I shared in the website article that coincides with this podcast episode, about an organization in which I worked and in which I made a spectacular blunder that loudly and clearly drove the lesson of listening home to me. Here’s what happened. I was leading a small group of event planners in planning for one specific event, and everyone in the group (except me) had been involved in that organization for several years. They knew the culture and traditions that had been part of the organizational history, and I did not. However, as the new leader, I felt that I should take charge of presenting good ideas, so I began the first meeting by taking charge . . . and by taking charge, what I really mean is that I began telling the rest of the group all of my ideas. I was so excited about it that I wasn’t even paying attention to how my ideas were being received.
My enthusiasm and lack of hearing, combined with the fact that I had not yet established trust or relationship, resulted in the rest of the group shutting down while giving verbal support to my ideas. However, over the next few days I began to hear from others that the entire committee was frustrated with me, and the event was now in jeopardy. When I realized what had happened, I had to go back to the committee and apologize for speaking without listening, and then I had to make it safe for them to talk; and not just talk, but feel heard. When I did that, I learned about the history and tradition associated with that event and could see that I had been on the verge of causing damage to the culture. I needed to take the time to listen, understand history, and get the whole story, but I had not done that.
In this circumstance, my mouth was open, my ears were closed, and I wasn’t listening. Because of that, I wasn’t hearing what I needed to hear. I wasn’t hearing with my eyes because I was only focused on myself, so I didn’t see the facial expressions or gestures that would have clued me in to their response. I wasn’t hearing with my ears, largely because my behavior made it unsafe for them to speak up. I needed to hear from them, but I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t listening, and so I nearly caused a complete break in trust that would have led to likely irreparable damage to our relationship.
That blunder that I made is a great example of something that many of us struggle with. Even though, as our grandparents likely said to us when we were little, “God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk,” it seems like our tendency is to talk twice as much as we listen. We focus more on our own ideas, or on what we have to offer, or what we’re going to do, and then miss the signs from other people. As I talked about in a couple of the episodes earlier in this series, you tend to see what you’re looking for, and you tend not to see what you are not looking for. Applied to today’s topic, what that means is that we tend not to hear what other people are communicating because we are only paying attention to what we are communicating.
All of this points to the crucial importance that we learn to shut up and listen. One of my favorite verses in Proverbs is 18:13, which says, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” In other words, we can appear foolish when we open our mouths to speak before we first open our ears to listen.
The bottom line is that good communication is essential to good leadership. Listening well is essential to good communication. As you learned in math class, if a=b and b=c, then a=c. Therefore, it makes sense that listening well is essential to good leadership. So be intentional about learning to listen. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Seek feedback, but make sure you hear it. Pay attention to what other people are saying, and to how they appear to be responding to you. Good leaders know when to close their mouths, open their ears, and listen.
