Podcast Episode 40 (part 13): Open Your Mouth and Use Your Words
This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part thirteen in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.
Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. Last week, in part 12, we talked about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and this week, in part 13, we talk about the value of using our words well.
Words matter. The first indication of their importance was evident at the beginning of all things when God created our world. Genesis 1 tells us that God spoke the world into existence. Think about the power of those words! What God said out loud with words is what came into existence. Then, at some point after the creation was completed, we see a negative example when Satan deceived Adam and Eve by twisting the words of God. At the very origin of our world, words were used for great good and for great harm.
And not just the words themselves, but also the context in which they are used and the way in which they are said. In my marriage and family counseling years, I spent a lot of time talking about communication, and one of the points I would make to husbands and wives was that how they said something was often as important as the words that were said.
Last time on this podcast, we focused on the importance of listening in the communication process, but today, we focus on the other half of that equation – using our words.
Early in my marriage, my wife and went to a social get-together with friends. At some point in the conversation, I was asked a question, and so I started thinking about what I was asked. In my mind, I began to process the meaning of the question, what the possible answers could be, what the implications of those possible answers would be, what I had learned from my own experience that would apply, and, therefore, what would be a wise response. All of this was going on inside my head while I sat there in silence. Before my thought process finished, however, the conversation had moved on, so I never got to answer.
The next day, when I got home from work, my wife told me that the wife of the person who had asked me the question the night before called her to ask if I was upset at them. When my wife asked why she thought that, the other person said that it was because I had a serious look on my face and hadn’t answered the question, so they assumed I was upset. I wasn’t, but they didn’t know that because I had not used any words. My wife said something to me then that I never forgot, and I have used it repeatedly over the years. She said, “Jeff, if you give people a blank page, they will write their own story.” I learned in that experience that it’s not just important to listen; it’s also important to talk.
The point is that you need to use words. Last week I referenced the “grandma-ism” that “God gave you one mouth and two ears so that you would listen twice as much as you talk,” but don’t neglect the fact that God still gave you a mouth, and so you still do need to talk; you just need to do it wisely. People want to know that they have been heard, which is why it is important that you listen carefully, but they generally can’t tell that they have actually been heard if they don’t get a response. Therefore, you need to communicate with words. In the website article that parallels this podcast, I talked about the content of the words you use, and what it is that people need to hear, but the underlying idea is that they need to hear from you.
What this really means is that you need to cultivate your skill at using your words intentionally. The words “skill” and “intentionally” are important words in that sentence. To make sure that this happens, I see three important qualifiers for the words you use:
1) “Sparingly” – use your words sparingly. An abundance of words can cloud or confuse your message. You probably know the acronym K.I.S.S., which I learned means, “Keep it simple, stupid!” Your words are valuable, so don’t throw them all over the place and cheapen their value.
2) “Carefully” – use your words carefully. Proverbs 25:11 talks about words being like “apples of gold in settings of silver,” but it also talks about the power of words to harm in Proverbs 18:21. Therefore, it is important that your words are chosen and used in a way that benefits the listener.
3) “Purposefully” – use your words purposefully. Your words need to be used to accomplish a specific purpose, and so it matters which words you use, and how you use them.
The bottom line is that communication truly is a two-way street. Yes, listen well, but also communicate clearly and with purpose. Put effort into what you say, how you say it, and why you say it. Choose your words with purpose, and express them strategically and carefully.
As a final recommendation on this topic, I would encourage you to do a study in the book of Proverbs on the use of words. Read a chapter a day for 3 months (you will end up reading through the book of Proverbs 3 times if you do this), and make note of every verse you come across that talks about your words. At the end of the three months, read through those specific verses and form an organized description of the main ideas that you learn from them. Remind yourself of it often and make it a part of who you are. Learn to open your mouth and use your words well.
