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Podcast, Season 2, Episode 25: Be a Better Leader: The Be-Attitudes of Better Leadership (Part 9, Be A Relationship-builder)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 9, I am concluding our discussion of the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of building relationships.

Here is the link to the podcast.

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Be A Better Leader: The Five Be-attitudes of Better Leadership (part 9, Be Relational . . . by Building Relationships)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 9, I am concluding our discussion of the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of building relationships.

I believe that effective leadership, leadership that results in personal and organizational change, happens best within the context of relationship. In any situation or environment, there are leaders and followers; while those players can change, both – whether they be individuals or groups – are necessary. You cannot eliminate or ignore the fundamental fact that there is a relationship that exists between leaders and subordinates, therefore the effective leader will intentionally build and nurture relationships that benefit the leader, the followers, and the organization.

During my first year as the head of a school, I initially kept getting annoyed with the fact that necessary tasks were constantly interrupted by people and their needs. Over the course of that year, as I developed in my leadership, I realized that I needed to allow time for people. At first, I thought I could simply do this by budgeting a certain amount of time for tasks and the rest of my time for people. I quickly learned that I couldn’t really budget specific time for people; rather, I needed to make people and relationships the priority. Over the next few years, my own research validated for me the importance of relationship-building in leadership development, affirming the “value of relationship for effective leadership and its importance to leadership development . . . [and affirming] its importance for components such as building trust, communicating effectively, resolving conflict, impacting perceptions, and effecting change.” (McMaster, 2013)

Many leadership views have also drawn the same conclusion, evident in a number of leadership theorists who have highlighted or indicated the importance of relationship as a characteristic of effective leadership. For example, Margaret Wheatley (1999) includes as one of her leadership principles the focus on building and nurturing relationships that benefit the culture. Michael Fullan (2001) includes relationships as one of the five factors that leaders must manage in order to lead through change, and specifically says, “It is time . . . to alter our perspective to pay as much attention to how we treat people – co-workers, subordinates, customers – as we now typically pay attention to structures, strategies, and statistics. . . . there is a new style of leadership in successful companies – one that focuses on people and relationships as essential to getting sustained results.” Kouzes’ and Posner’s The Leadership Challenge (2002) described “five practices of exemplary leadership” and their application to leading through change, including the practices of “model the way”, “enable others to act,” and “encourage the heart,” all of which are instrumental in relationship building. And the Leader-Member Exchange (LMX) theory of leadership, as explained by Graen and Uhl-Bien, “makes the leader-member relationship the pivotal concept in the leadership process.” (Northouse, 2013)

Even beyond these few examples, as modern leadership theories and concepts have shifted in emphasis from transactional style (leadership is based on an exchange process between the leader and follower) to transformational style (leadership appeals to the moral fiber of the followers to enlist their support and involvement for their own benefit), the relationship between leaders and followers has become a focal point. I have learned this lesson clearly over the time of my leadership in the last few years, and I have now come to truly understand the importance of developing relationships with those whom I am directly leading or trying to impact. In my leadership roles, I have focused on building a culture of relationship between myself and my subordinates and superiors in order to facilitate an environment of greatest impact. Relationship has become pivotal to my practice of leadership.

The bottom line is that when people believe that they matter, and the leader builds a culture of relationship, the organization will benefit. So if you want to be a better leader, then be relational!

Fullan, M. (2001). Leading in a culture of change. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Kouzes, J. M., & Posner, B. Z. (2002). The leadership challenge (3rd ed.). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

McMaster, J. S. (2013). The Influence of Christian Education on Leadership Development. The Journal of Applied Chrisitan Leadership, 7(1), 17.

Northouse, P. G. (2013). Leadership: Theory and practice (6th ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications.

Wheatley, M. J. (1999). Leadership and the new science: Discovering order in a chaotic world (2nd ed.). San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

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Podcast, Season 2, Episode 24: Be a Better Leader: The Be-Attitudes of Better Leadership (Part 8, Be A Teacher)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 8, I am continuing to explore the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being a teacher.

Here is the link to the podcast.

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Be A Better Leader: The Five Be-attitudes of Better Leadership (part 8, Be Relational . . . by Being a Teacher)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 8, I am continuing to explore the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being a teacher.

When we think about teaching, our minds generally go immediately to the role of a classroom teacher in a school. We tend to think of it as an occupation, rather than a way to communicate, as a job that someone does as opposed to how you interact with others in a way that helps them to learn something. However, while teachers play an invaluable role in the development of children, we are mistaken if we think that it is a job that is only relegated to someone in a classroom. The reality is that if you lead people, you are a teacher.

I personally have experience in the professional role of educator, having served as a junior high and high school teacher for a number of years, and having spent three decades in a school environment as both teacher and administrator. As a teacher, I had subject matter that I was responsible for teaching, and my job was to help students learn necessary and relevant information and to develop critical thinking skills. But my role was also a vehicle through which I sought to shape the minds and the lives of my students. And that happened best in the context of a relationship.

Leaders are also seeking to shape the minds and lives of those they lead, and so effective leadership can and should learn some things from the theory and practice of professional educators. Therefore there is great value in understanding what teaching looks like and how it has an effect on people. Gaining an understanding of this can help us with a framework for how we also can teach others. If we want to become better teachers (and we all should), then we need to look at the learning process and at teachers. But then we also need to see that it happens best in the context of relationship.

In the book Blended (2015), authors Michael B. Horn and Heather Staker discuss the concept of disruptive innovation and its application to the world of education, especially as it applies to online instruction and blended learning. They make the point that today’s schools were originally designed to standardize teaching and testing (the opposite of differentiation and customization), but in today’s global, information-based culture, the new need is for student-centered learning, which is personalized (tailored to an individual student’s particular need) and competency-based (they must demonstrate mastery before moving on). As they researched students in the learning environment, they then sought to identify the primary motivators for student learning, and found two motivating desires: 1) to feel successful and make progress, and 2) to have fun with friends, engaging in positive, rewarding social experiences with others. In short, they learned that students – the learners – want to successfully achieve, experience good social relationships, and receive individualized instruction whereby they can show what they know in the way they do best.

So research gives us some insight into what learners in general want to experience, but what about your own experience? Like most people, you can probably think of teachers who made an impact on your life, so we should be asking ourselves what they did that makes them stand out to us. When you do that, you will probably find several core practices or behaviors that characterized those impactful teachers: 1) they cared; and specifically, they cared about you, and you knew it, 2) they were examples that you felt you could emulate, because they were models of how to live life effectively and with meaning, 3) they challenged and inspired you, pushing you to do more than you thought you were capable of doing, and 4) they gave you feedback, both positive and negative, to support, encourage, and grow you, but also to hold you accountable and correct you.

Now put these ideas together, those from research and those from your own personal experience, and it will begin to give you a picture of what it means to be a teacher. If you apply this to the people you lead, it will help you to see that they want to progress and achieve, they want to have positive and caring relationships, they want to do what they do well in the way they can do it best, they want someone to show them the way and challenge them to grow, and they want to know how they are doing. And you don’t have to be in a classroom to do all of these things, but you do need to be relational.

This provides for us a blueprint, a road map for how we can teach the people we lead and why it needs to happen in the context of relationship, and there are four foundational pillars that make up this plan:

  • First, teach with your heart, developing a genuine care for people. Build relationship by taking a personal interest in their lives and showing that you care about them.
  • Second, teach with your words. Take the time to explain why and how, helping people to understand what it is that they are doing and how it connects to the other people and tasks around them in the organization.
  • Third, teach with your life, by living in a way that is consistent with what you say, demonstrating integrity, and keeping your promises. Be an example they can emulate. Show them what you expect by demonstrating and modeling.
  • Finally, teach with your responses. Empower them to act, and then give them support and encouragement, but also give them constructive feedback to help them learn and improve.

In essence, to be an effective teacher, you must care, tell, show, and respond. These are all behaviors that happen best relationally and that can and should characterize you as an effective leader. Perhaps you have already been doing this and didn’t realize that in doing so, you have been a teacher. Perhaps you need to begin to do them. Regardless, remember that good teachers help students to achieve, even beyond what they believed was possible, and so it makes sense that if you can be a leader who teaches, the people you lead will grow and you will benefit.  And the most effective teachers know that the best teaching happens in the context of relationship.  So be relational, and be a teacher.

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Podcast, Season 2, Episode 23: Be a Better Leader: The Be-Attitudes of Better Leadership (Part 7, Be A Talker)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 7, I am continuing to explore the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being a talker.

Here is the link to the podcast.

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Podcast, Season 2, Episode 22: Be a Better Leader: The Be-Attitudes of Better Leadership (Part 6, Be A Listener)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 6, I am beginning to explore the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being a listener.

Here is the link to the podcast.

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Be A Better Leader: The Five Be-attitudes of Better Leadership (part 7, Be Relational . . . by Being a Talker)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 7, I am continuing to explore the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being a talker.

I have shared before that “most people understand communication is two-way street, involving both talking and listening, but I would also guess that most people do far more talking than listening. . . . One of the skills, then, that is necessary for effective leadership (and for healthy relationships) is the ability to listen well. In short, we need to be good listeners.” However, and while this is definitely true, it does not mean that we can neglect the other side of that street – we also need to be good talkers. Good communication involves both talking and listening, and so even though we tend to do one (talking) to the neglect of the other (listening), we can’t ignore either one. We need to do them both well.

I am by nature a reflective thinker, so I generally process my thoughts for a while before responding to people. What that looks like inside my head is, “Hmmm, let me think about that so that I can give you a very good answer,” but what it looks like to other people is, “Did he even hear a word that I said?” My wife humorously describes this thought process in my head as a train that is circling the tracks and eventually comes back around to the train station. So when my children ask me a question, and I haven’t answered yet, she will say, “Be patient children, the train is on its way back to the station.”

Although we joke about my train, recognizing this has helped me to understand that I have to verbally tell people that I am processing their questions, input, or ideas. I have learned that I need to tell people, out loud, that I have heard them and that I am thinking through what they said. They need to hear me speak. Why is that so? I think the answer comes from something else that I have often heard my wife say – if you give people a blank page, they will write in their own perceptions and ideas. If you don’t give people information that they need to know, or let them know that they have been heard, they will form their own conclusions which may or may not be true, and which will likely have to be addressed and/or corrected, which in turn makes your job of communicating that much more difficult.

Therefore, even though listening is a critical skill that we must develop, we also must learn to speak. I am not talking about the skill of public speaking (although that is something that also ought to be developed in our leadership), but about the simple act of communicating our thoughts, ideas, vision, and responses. We have to talk to people, and we must do it in a way that lets them feel heard, gives them understanding, enlists their support, and provides information that they need. In order to do this well, there are three needs that must be met by our words.

First, people need to feel informed. No one likes to be surprised with information, especially if they will be impacted by the circumstances or the information. It is therefore important that they know what is happening around them. As you lead your organization or your team, there will be changes that you need to implement, strategies that you need to develop, and obstacles that you need to navigate. During those experiences, you need to communicate what is happening and what you are doing. And it is especially important that you communicate information to someone if you are obligating his or her participation. If they have to contribute or participate and they have not been properly informed, they will resist. So the bottom line is, you must be sure to communicate often, communicate well, and communicate much.

Second, people need an active, accurate data stream of information. They will generally believe what they hear most repeated, and so if you do not make sure that the information they receive is accurate and frequent, people will begin to believe things that are not true, or will form perceptions that can be detrimental to your direction. And once perceptions are formed, they can be hard to change. The information that people will be exposed to will often come from other sources besides you – the gossip of coworkers, the opinions of friends and relatives, the advertising of competitors – so you will need to make sure that they are repeatedly hearing true information.

Third, people need to hear stories. Stories make cold facts become relatable, memorable, and more believable. They provide handles for information so that they can remember what is important, and can share it with others. As Steve Gruenert and Todd Whitaker say in School Culture Rewired (2015), “Stories are the currency of a culture – they are the most effective means of transferring information from one person to another” (p. 38). It follows, then, that leaders should become good storytellers, able to put information in the context of a story that they tell. When you do that, people are more likely to listen and understand, and will have a better grasp of the information that you share.

So, the conclusion should be that we need to talk as well as we listen. In order to do that, we must be intentional about what and how we communicate, to ensure that our words are meeting the needs of our listeners. Make sure that we are communicating information that our followers need to hear, that we are doing it often and accurately, and that we using stories for the context. Then, when that happens, our words will fill in the page in front of them with the information that will be best for their growth and their performance. When that happens well, we build more effective relationships, which in turn helps us to be better leaders.

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Be A Better Leader: The Five Be-attitudes of Better Leadership (part 6, Be Relational . . . by Being a Listener)

In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 6, I am beginning to explore the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being a listener.

In the New York Times Best Seller The Art of Racing in the Rain (2008), author Garth Stein tells a fictional story of the life of a race car driver, Denny, as seen through the eyes of his dog, Enzo. At one particular point in the story, when Denny is experiencing great difficulty, Enzo shares this thought: “I listen. I cannot speak, so I listen very well. I never interrupt. I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own. People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another’s conversations constantly. It’s like having a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns you down a side street.” (p. 101). Remarkable insight from a dog, but so often it is true.

I would guess that most people understand communication is two-way street, involving both talking and listening, but I would also guess that most people do far more talking than listening. Unlike Enzo, we don’t do such a good job of listening, and at those times when we do appear to be listening, we are probably guiltier of thinking about what we are going to say next than thinking about what the other person is saying. The unfortunate result is that we do not communicate well, our relationships suffer, and we are not as effective as leaders.

One of the skills, then, that is necessary for effective leadership (and for healthy relationships) is the ability to listen well. In short, we need to be good listeners. In an article published on LinkedIn on February 2, 2015, called “Best Advice: Listen More than You Talk,” Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Group, echoed this truth when he wrote that one of the “best and most simple pieces of advice” he ever received came from his father: “listen more than you talk.”

Learning to listen well, though, requires effort, because it involves much more than simply hearing the words that the other person is saying. It involves understanding the idea and intent, the meaning, of what the other person is communicating. Usually, however, the problem we have is that our own tendency toward selfishness and our own perceptions and experiences interfere with our ability to hear what the other person is communicating, therefore we have to become intentional about learning to listen, and this means much more than just listening with our ears, but also with our eyes and with our mouths.

  1. Listen with your eyes – I realize this may sound a little odd, but one way in which listening happens is with your eyes. In reality, people do a lot of communicating with facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language, and so the implication is that much of what you hear people say comes from what you see. For that reason, you need to become very intentional about looking around and observing as part of your listening process. When you are face-to-face with someone, engaged in dialogue, you must consciously become aware of what they are saying with nonverbal cues, thereby more clearly hearing what they are trying to communicate; however, I would suggest you also need to do the same when you are observing from a distance, when you are not directly interacting, but instead are watching or noticing the behavior and actions of those around you. Your understanding will improve if you take time to look around and listen to what you see.A caution here, though: we tend to only see what we are looking for, those things that reinforce our predetermined perception, therefore confirming our belief that it is true, even if it is not, and we also tend to miss a lot of what is right in front of us, primarily because we are not looking for it, and therefore will not see important clues and information that we need to see. Therefore, we must intentionally set aside our perceptions and must put in conscious effort to see things that we are not looking for, in order to hear what is actually been communicated.
  2. Listen with your mouth – A second way in which listening happenings is with your mouth. This does not happen in the same way that you listen with your eyes, because your mouth does not generally take in information to enhance your understanding in the way that your eyes do (to state the obvious). What your mouth does, however, is provide feedback and response that reflects your listening. Your mouth is the vehicle through which you mirror what you hear, and so it communicates how you are listening. How, then, does this happen? Primarily in two ways: rephrasing, and asking questions. First, as you listen to someone speak (or as you observe activity, behavior, and responses), you need to give back a rephrasing of what you think you hear (and see). This communicates that you are trying to listen, but it also gives you the opportunity to validate and refine what you think you hear, by giving and then receiving additional feedback. Second, ask open-ended and clarifying questions that help you to have a deeper and more accurate understanding of what you hear – also known as active listening – which gives you a better grasp of what others (namely, your peers and your subordinates) are experiencing and feeling. This will better enable you to respond to what you hear (and see), which – again – will help you to be a more effective leader. One extremely important caveat, though, is this: when you ask questions, you must ensure that it is safe for people to answer; otherwise you will not get the kind of feedback you need.
  3. Listen with your ears – Finally, and most obviously, listening does happen with your ears. In the book Quiet (2012), Susan Cain discusses the implications of introverted personality tendencies for leadership, and applies it to a lesson on listening when she shares the experience of a salesperson who states, “In sales, there’s a truism that ‘we have two ears and one mouth and we should use them proportionately.’ I believe that’s what makes someone really good at selling or consulting – the number one thing is they’ve got to really listen well” (p. 240). What this means is that we need to close our mouths and let others say what they need to say, and we actually need to be attentive to what they are saying. We need to follow Enzo’s counsel of not interrupting, of not taking over or sidetracking the conversation, but rather consciously hearing the words, the meaning, and the heart of what others are saying.

In essence, an effective leader needs to be an effective listener, and that requires intentional effort and discipline. Learn to listen with your eyes by observing, learn to listen with your mouth by rephrasing and asking questions, and learn to listen with your ears by setting aside your own interests and hearing the meaning of others’ words. When you learn to be a better listener, you will build better relationships and in turn will be a better leader.

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Yes, Relationships Are Important

There are two primary halves of leadership responsibility:  tasks and people.  Although we need to do both if we are going to lead well, most of us tend to be more comfortable with one or the other.  I personally drift more naturally to the task side, and so I am always reminding myself to give attention to the relationship side of my leadership.  If I am performing my duties and tasks well, but not attending to people, I will not be successful.  We must remember that relationships are a vital part of everything we do, whether that involves family, friends, or work. In the real world, we operate in relationship with others, and more and more, it seems that research and study are recognizing this.

Much of the “brain-based education” research in recent years has resulted in the realization of the importance of the teacher-student relationship in the shaping of children, and even, literally, in the shaping of their brains. The concept of social intelligence has pointed out the cellular biological connection and influence that happens in an interaction between people, underscoring the importance of being able to connect well with people. Leadership studies have developed theories that account for both task management and people management, and the most recent theories of leadership – related to authentic leadership – heavily emphasize the need to develop and maintain genuine relationships with people.

You probably recognize that this simply makes sense. People matter, and relationships are important. Therefore, we need to intentionally foster relationships with people, and in a great variety of ways. We need to build relationships with people from whom we can learn, mentors who will help us to grow. We need to build relationships with people who have the potential to grow so that we can mentor and develop others. We need to build relationships with our coworkers and peers, our supervisors, and our subordinates so that we can better function together within the organization. We need to be investing in the relationships we have with our family members – our spouses, our children, our parents (because, after all, your family is more important than your job). Everywhere that we connect with people, we need to be intentionally building relationships.

What is most important in all of these relationships, though, is that they be genuine. They cannot be based on ulterior, selfish motives that seek to take advantage of others for personal gain. If that’s the case, then it is no longer relationship-building, but manipulation, and manipulation will only cause damage and frustration and hurt to both you and them. We need to build relationships, but we need to be genuine about it, connecting with people caring about people because they matter, and connecting in ways that are beneficial for them as much as for us.

At one point in my leadership activity, my boss – the chairman of the board of directors – spoke with me about the need for me to take more opportunities to personally connect with our constituents. I had been guilty of hiding behind my introverted tendencies and letting others stand up front at events in the visible role. I was reminded and encouraged by him to put myself in front of people and make myself more accessible, because they needed to be able to feel connected with me, for the benefit and health of the organization. And he was right.

I immediately began putting myself on the agenda at the beginning of public events, even if only to stand in front and take a couple of minutes to welcome everyone. I also started standing at the main exit door after events to simply smile, greet, and thank people. In addition, I took a page from Verne Harnish’s “Scaling Up” and started building into my schedule regular interaction with customers, in the form of a planned personal interaction with two or three individual families a week. All of these things were specific steps to help me meet, connect with, and build relationships with people. I knew it was important to do, but I had allowed myself to let it slip as a priority, so I needed the reminder to continue focusing on relationships.

Now, I’m reminding you. You also need to be connecting with people and building relationships. You probably have your own story that illustrates the importance of this (and feel free to share your story), but perhaps you, too, have let it slide. Get back out there, meet with people, invest in people, and put a priority on relationships. Relationship building and maintaining (in a genuine way) are integral and essential to your life – at home, at work, and in your community and social life – therefore, you need to be intentional about doing it. Build relationships. It matters.

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