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Podcast Episode 39 (part 12): Close Your Mouth and Open Your Ears

This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part twelve in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, in part 12, we talk about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and next week, in part 13, we will talk about the value of using our words well.

It’s no secret that communication is essential to healthy relationships. Everyone understands that poor communication will damage marriages, derail businesses, and destroy friendships. And yet, so many people struggle to communicate in a way that is good for those relationships and contexts. If, therefore, we understand how important it is, and also understand how hard it is to do it well, we ought to be intentional about how we do it.  And at its core, communication is a two-way street that consists of sending and receiving. In other words, the two most basic components of the communication process are what we say and what we hear. Today, we’re talking about the importance of what we hear; or, the importance of listening.

 I’m going to share the same story I shared in the website article that coincides with this podcast episode, about an organization in which I worked and in which I made a spectacular blunder that loudly and clearly drove the lesson of listening home to me. Here’s what happened. I was leading a small group of event planners in planning for one specific event, and everyone in the group (except me) had been involved in that organization for several years. They knew the culture and traditions that had been part of the organizational history, and I did not. However, as the new leader, I felt that I should take charge of presenting good ideas, so I began the first meeting by taking charge . . . and by taking charge, what I really mean is that I began telling the rest of the group all of my ideas. I was so excited about it that I wasn’t even paying attention to how my ideas were being received.

My enthusiasm and lack of hearing, combined with the fact that I had not yet established trust or relationship, resulted in the rest of the group shutting down while giving verbal support to my ideas. However, over the next few days I began to hear from others that the entire committee was frustrated with me, and the event was now in jeopardy. When I realized what had happened, I had to go back to the committee and apologize for speaking without listening, and then I had to make it safe for them to talk; and not just talk, but feel heard. When I did that, I learned about the history and tradition associated with that event and could see that I had been on the verge of causing damage to the culture. I needed to take the time to listen, understand history, and get the whole story, but I had not done that.

In this circumstance, my mouth was open, my ears were closed, and I wasn’t listening. Because of that, I wasn’t hearing what I needed to hear. I wasn’t hearing with my eyes because I was only focused on myself, so I didn’t see the facial expressions or gestures that would have clued me in to their response. I wasn’t hearing with my ears, largely because my behavior made it unsafe for them to speak up. I needed to hear from them, but I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t listening, and so I nearly caused a complete break in trust that would have led to likely irreparable damage to our relationship.

That blunder that I made is a great example of something that many of us struggle with. Even though, as our grandparents likely said to us when we were little, “God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk,” it seems like our tendency is to talk twice as much as we listen. We focus more on our own ideas, or on what we have to offer, or what we’re going to do, and then miss the signs from other people. As I talked about in a couple of the episodes earlier in this series, you tend to see what you’re looking for, and you tend not to see what you are not looking for. Applied to today’s topic, what that means is that we tend not to hear what other people are communicating because we are only paying attention to what we are communicating.

All of this points to the crucial importance that we learn to shut up and listen. One of my favorite verses in Proverbs is 18:13, which says, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” In other words, we can appear foolish when we open our mouths to speak before we first open our ears to listen.

The bottom line is that good communication is essential to good leadership. Listening well is essential to good communication. As you learned in math class, if a=b and b=c, then a=c. Therefore, it makes sense that listening well is essential to good leadership. So be intentional about learning to listen. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Seek feedback, but make sure you hear it. Pay attention to what other people are saying, and to how they appear to be responding to you. Good leaders know when to close their mouths, open their ears, and listen.

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Complementary Contradictions (part 12): Close Your Mouth and Use Your Ears

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of a coin, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, in part 12, we talk about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and next week, in part 13, we will talk about the value of using our words well.

Early in my experience as an educator, I heard my administrator say to parents (tongue-in-cheek), “If you don’t believe half of what your students say happened in the classroom, we won’t believe half of what they tell us happened at home.” Like many humorous comments, this contains a morsel of truth. People have a tendency to represent facts in such a way as to paint themselves in the best possible light, and children are no different. Often over the years, I have fielded phone calls from parents who were contacting me because of what their child said happened in class (things like, “My child told me that the teacher said this in class!”). I quickly learned to redirect their concern to the teacher, so that the parent could hear the whole story. Nearly every time, the parent has come back to me and said, “Now that I have the whole story, it makes a lot more sense.” (And most of the time, the story the child told at home was an effort to cover up or misdirect from wrong choices of behavior made by the student in the classroom.)

There are two particular passages in Scripture that have greatly helped me to understand this idea. One is Proverbs 18:13, which says, “He who answers a matter before he hears the facts—it is folly and shame to him” (Amplified Bible). The Message says it even more plainly: “Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.” This verse was first shared with me by a professor when I was completing a marriage and family counseling internship, as an exhortation to probe and question thoroughly before drawing conclusions in the counseling setting. For quite a while, I literally kept the verse written on a notecard, taped on top of my desk, as a reminder. I have since learned that this verse applies to many circumstances, not just to a counseling session. When you deal with people (and most of us do), you will have the experience of people telling you the story from their own perspective, which will likely mean that it may or may not be true. It is foolish and stupid to react or respond without first getting the whole story.

The second verse is James 1:19, which says, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” As many grandparents have shared with their grandchildren, “There’s a reason why God gave us two ears and one mouth; we should listen twice as much as we speak!” This verse has been a constant reminder to me to be careful to listen first, although, in the process of my growth as a leader, it was a lesson that sometimes came the hard way.

In one organization in which I worked, I made a spectacular blunder that loudly and clearly drove this lesson home to me. I was leading a small group of event planners in planning for one specific event, and everyone in the group (except me) had been involved in that organization for several years. As the leader, I felt that I should take charge of presenting good ideas, so I began the first meeting by telling the rest of the group all of my ideas. My enthusiasm (combined with the fact that I had not yet established trust or relationship) resulted in the rest of the group shutting down while giving verbal support to my ideas. However, over the next few days I began to hear from others that the entire committee was frustrated with me, and the event was now in jeopardy. I had to go back to the committee and apologize for speaking without listening, and then I had to make it safe for them to talk. When I did that, I learned about the history and tradition associated with that event and could see that I had been on the verge of causing damage to the culture. I needed to take the time to listen, understand history, and get the whole story.

The added bonus of this lesson is that when you take the time to learn the whole story, you are much more likely to be able to discern what is true and what is not. In Deuteronomy 18:21-22, Moses provided some direction to the people of Israel to help them understand how to discern this, when he said, “And if you say in your heart, ‘How may we know the word that the Lord has not spoken?’— when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the word does not come to pass or come true, that is a word that the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously. You need not be afraid of him.” He made the point that if you take the time to observe and get the whole story, beginning to end, you can tell if it is truth or not.

It is easy for a leader to assume that leadership means taking charge and giving direction. However, I believe that these principles from Scripture give us a very different picture: leadership should be characterized by listening. Ask questions. Make it safe for people to share. Validate. Make sure you get the whole story before you react. Close your mouth, open your ears, and listen.

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