“He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” Proverbs 18:13
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In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 6, I am beginning to explore the second category, “Be Relational,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being a listener.
In the New York Times Best Seller The Art of Racing in the Rain (2008), author Garth Stein tells a fictional story of the life of a race car driver, Denny, as seen through the eyes of his dog, Enzo. At one particular point in the story, when Denny is experiencing great difficulty, Enzo shares this thought: “I listen. I cannot speak, so I listen very well. I never interrupt. I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own. People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another’s conversations constantly. It’s like having a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns you down a side street.” (p. 101). Remarkable insight from a dog, but so often it is true.
I would guess that most people understand communication is two-way street, involving both talking and listening, but I would also guess that most people do far more talking than listening. Unlike Enzo, we don’t do such a good job of listening, and at those times when we do appear to be listening, we are probably guiltier of thinking about what we are going to say next than thinking about what the other person is saying. The unfortunate result is that we do not communicate well, our relationships suffer, and we are not as effective as leaders.
One of the skills, then, that is necessary for effective leadership (and for healthy relationships) is the ability to listen well. In short, we need to be good listeners. In an article published on LinkedIn on February 2, 2015, called “Best Advice: Listen More than You Talk,” Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Group, echoed this truth when he wrote that one of the “best and most simple pieces of advice” he ever received came from his father: “listen more than you talk.”
Learning to listen well, though, requires effort, because it involves much more than simply hearing the words that the other person is saying. It involves understanding the idea and intent, the meaning, of what the other person is communicating. Usually, however, the problem we have is that our own tendency toward selfishness and our own perceptions and experiences interfere with our ability to hear what the other person is communicating, therefore we have to become intentional about learning to listen, and this means much more than just listening with our ears, but also with our eyes and with our mouths.
- Listen with your eyes – I realize this may sound a little odd, but one way in which listening happens is with your eyes. In reality, people do a lot of communicating with facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language, and so the implication is that much of what you hear people say comes from what you see. For that reason, you need to become very intentional about looking around and observing as part of your listening process. When you are face-to-face with someone, engaged in dialogue, you must consciously become aware of what they are saying with nonverbal cues, thereby more clearly hearing what they are trying to communicate; however, I would suggest you also need to do the same when you are observing from a distance, when you are not directly interacting, but instead are watching or noticing the behavior and actions of those around you. Your understanding will improve if you take time to look around and listen to what you see.A caution here, though: we tend to only see what we are looking for, those things that reinforce our predetermined perception, therefore confirming our belief that it is true, even if it is not, and we also tend to miss a lot of what is right in front of us, primarily because we are not looking for it, and therefore will not see important clues and information that we need to see. Therefore, we must intentionally set aside our perceptions and must put in conscious effort to see things that we are not looking for, in order to hear what is actually been communicated.
- Listen with your mouth – A second way in which listening happenings is with your mouth. This does not happen in the same way that you listen with your eyes, because your mouth does not generally take in information to enhance your understanding in the way that your eyes do (to state the obvious). What your mouth does, however, is provide feedback and response that reflects your listening. Your mouth is the vehicle through which you mirror what you hear, and so it communicates how you are listening. How, then, does this happen? Primarily in two ways: rephrasing, and asking questions. First, as you listen to someone speak (or as you observe activity, behavior, and responses), you need to give back a rephrasing of what you think you hear (and see). This communicates that you are trying to listen, but it also gives you the opportunity to validate and refine what you think you hear, by giving and then receiving additional feedback. Second, ask open-ended and clarifying questions that help you to have a deeper and more accurate understanding of what you hear – also known as active listening – which gives you a better grasp of what others (namely, your peers and your subordinates) are experiencing and feeling. This will better enable you to respond to what you hear (and see), which – again – will help you to be a more effective leader. One extremely important caveat, though, is this: when you ask questions, you must ensure that it is safe for people to answer; otherwise you will not get the kind of feedback you need.
- Listen with your ears – Finally, and most obviously, listening does happen with your ears. In the book Quiet (2012), Susan Cain discusses the implications of introverted personality tendencies for leadership, and applies it to a lesson on listening when she shares the experience of a salesperson who states, “In sales, there’s a truism that ‘we have two ears and one mouth and we should use them proportionately.’ I believe that’s what makes someone really good at selling or consulting – the number one thing is they’ve got to really listen well” (p. 240). What this means is that we need to close our mouths and let others say what they need to say, and we actually need to be attentive to what they are saying. We need to follow Enzo’s counsel of not interrupting, of not taking over or sidetracking the conversation, but rather consciously hearing the words, the meaning, and the heart of what others are saying.
In essence, an effective leader needs to be an effective listener, and that requires intentional effort and discipline. Learn to listen with your eyes by observing, learn to listen with your mouth by rephrasing and asking questions, and learn to listen with your ears by setting aside your own interests and hearing the meaning of others’ words. When you learn to be a better listener, you will build better relationships and in turn will be a better leader.
In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 5, I am exploring the first category, “Be Genuine,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being yourself.
Here is the link to the podcast.
In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 5, I am exploring the first category, “Be Genuine,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being yourself.
When I first became a teacher, I soon identified another teacher that I thought represented everything I wanted to be as a teacher. He was a master teacher, and had a tremendous influence on students, and I thought that if I could be just like him, I could also be a great teacher. The problem was, his personality and strengths were very different than mine, so try as I might, I couldn’t be a teacher like him. What I found, though, was that I had different strengths and attributes that worked well with a different style of teaching, and when I allowed myself to be myself and not him, I became an effective teacher as well, just in a different way.
People often take the same approach to leadership. They will read books or attend seminars so they can copy someone else’s pattern in every detail, or so that they can uncover the secret that no one else knows about. But there is no secret. Leadership is not a hidden, secret society that you are trying to uncover and imitate. Rather, you are a unique individual, so your leadership practice should reflect you, your personality, and your strengths. The truth is, if you try to be someone else, you are not being authentic and genuine. So – and this may sound like a statement of the obvious – you will be most effective in your leadership if you operate out of who you are. In order to do that, there are four steps you must follow.
Step 1 – Know yourself. Before you can lead in the way that works best for you, you first have to know who you are, which means identifying your predominant characteristics. Knowing yourself begins with identifying your “type,” the kind of personality or attributes that most represent you. There are a variety of ways to classify this – Type A or Type B; temperament types of choleric, sanguine, melancholy, and phlegmatic; thought processes of random-abstract or concrete-sequential; the range of introversion to extroversion; the DISC personality profile; StrengthsQuest team characteristics; and numerous others. Regardless of which format you use, you need to figure out what your personality type and characteristics are. (If you haven’t done this before, I would suggest starting with one of the most common personality assessments used in the business world, the Meyers-Briggs Typology Inventory (MBTI), which you can take for free here.) With an understanding of your type, you can then get an understanding of your particular strengths and weaknesses, so that you can more clearly identify what you do well and where you struggle.
Step 2 – Be yourself. Once you know yourself, with a clear understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, you can begin to operate as a leader out of your strengths. With your particular strengths in mind, you can capitalize on what you do well, matching it to your style in order to maximize the effectiveness of your leadership. Leadership styles vary according to three different factors – the leader, the followers, and the situation – and so, armed with the knowledge of who you are and how you best function, you can fit your style to your followers and to your situation. I know that on the introvert-extrovert scale, I am more introverted; on the MBTI scale, I am an INTJ; my temperament is more melancholy/choleric; in my thought process, I am more analytical and logical. Knowing myself and my strengths, then, I use my strengths to lead in a way that works well for me. Therefore, I don’t try to the charismatic leader; instead I connect with individuals on a more personal level, and in the process build trust. I take the time to listen and gather information before responding, processing my thoughts before giving my input, and I communicate that tendency to people when we meet, so that they know that I am thinking (and not ignoring) when I don’t answer immediately. My organizational thought process helps me to be effective at connecting the dots to see the big picture for planning and vision purposes, so I make that one of the tasks that I am directly involved in, but I delegate the repetitive details to others to manage because it is difficult for me to stay focused in those details. I have learned to use my strengths to lead, using the style that reflects what I do well.
Step 3 – Help yourself. Now that you have determined and established your style of leadership, one that best matches who you are and uses your strengths, the next step is to identify the growth areas and weaknesses with which you need help. You need to compensate for your gaps, deficiencies and shortcomings, both personally and organizationally. That means you need to address your personal deficiencies by employing tools to help yourself, and minimize your leadership weaknesses by delegating the responsibilities that require those attributes to others for whom they are strengths, and by surrounding yourself with people whose strengths offset your weaknesses. I know that I am a more reserved personality, so I always include as part of my team someone who is more extroverted and communicative, so that we as a team are more complete than I am as an individual. If you are a detail-person, you need to include someone who is a “big-picture, idea” person; or if you are an organized analytical person, you need to include someone who is more relationship focused; and so on. You will help your leadership to be better if you involve other people and resources to offset those things that are not your strengths.
Step 4 – Make yourself. Even though you are operating in the way that best matches you, there will always be things that you need to do that fall outside your comfort zone, and you will have to learn to make yourself do them anyway. It may be something that makes you uncomfortable or something that is difficult for you to do, but they are still tasks and responsibilities that you have to be able to handle, especially because you are the leader. For example, because my personality type is more introverted and reflective, I do not enjoy conflict. Once, when a supervisor asked me in a performance review what I felt I were areas of improvement in myself, I mentioned that I didn’t like conflict and confrontation. He then noted in my review that I needed to learn how to be more confrontational, but I responded by saying that the problem wasn’t that I couldn’t do it and didn’t do it, but rather that I didn’t like it. Because I didn’t like it, I had learned to do it in a very tactful way and in the process had become very good it – but I still didn’t like it. It was one of those skills that is necessary for leadership, and I had had to learn to make myself do it, and to do it well. The point is, no matter your personality type, there will be some things that you don’t like but will have to do anyway, and therefore you must be able to make yourself do it.
Four basic steps: first know yourself (figure out your personality, characteristics, strengths, and weaknesses); then be yourself (lead from your strengths); next, help yourself (compensate for your weaknesses); and finally, make yourself (discipline yourself to do those things that you don’t like to do, but have to do as the leader). Following these four steps will help you to become the most effective leader you can be, because your leadership will match you and reflect you. So be the leader you are, not the leader that someone else is.
In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 4, I am exploring the first category, “Be Genuine,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being humble.
Here is the link to the podcast.
In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 4, I am exploring the first category, “Be Genuine,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being humble.
One of my father’s many great attributes was the character trait of #humility. As a teenager and a young man, I was often in awe at his capability and competence in so many areas, and yet he was never arrogant or prideful, and would not boast about his own accomplishments or abilities. Seemingly in spite of his extroverted nature and his constant interaction with people, he never seemed to be drawing attention to his own successes, but rather, poured into others. Like many young people, I suppose, I wished that everyone else could see how great my father was, yet he never seemed to point out those things in himself.
I finally began to better understand this about him when I was a senior in high school and was receiving a particular accolade. There was a brief mention of this accomplishment in the local newspaper, and the next time one of my aunts came to visit, she mentioned the article and said to me, in front of my dad, that she had had no idea of my level of accomplishment before. I remember my dad saying to me, “Jeff, if you’re good, you don’t have to tell people, they’ll tell you.” At first, on the surface, that seemed like a simple statement, but now I realize that my dad was trying to teach me two very important things:
- Humility is one of the most valuable character traits a person can have. No one likes pompous arrogance. It is unattractive to brag about yourself and it makes you look needy, selfish, and insecure. In fact, #JimCollins points out in his best-selling book Good to Great that humility is one of the two primary attributes of a Level 5 Leader. So my dad taught me to see my skills and abilities as gifts from God to be used for the benefit of others, not for my own recognition.
- Your actions speak louder than your words. One of his other many sayings (one I’ve often referenced) was, “Your walk talks and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks.” He knew – and he taught me – that people would be far more affected by my actions than my words, and that it would be my actions that would make my words believable. So he taught me to let my actions speak for me.
#TomNelson, in his book Work Matters, points out that “we are witnesses by our words, but we also witness by our work. The excellence of our work often gives us the credibility to speak of the excellence of our Lord Jesus and to share the good news of the gospel with our coworkers.” In saying this, he reminds us of this same truth, that people will judge us, and by extension will judge our God, by the quality and competence of the work we do. In turn, people will draw conclusions about us based on what they see. And that’s why Dr. #HenryCloud, in Necessary Endings, states that “the best predictor of the future is the past.” He points out that what we have seen people do and how we have seen them act in the past gives us the best picture of what they are likely to be like in the future.
The book of Proverbs echos this sentiment in Proverbs 27:2, which says, “Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger and not your own lips,” and in Proverbs 22:29, which says, “Do you see a man who excels in his work? He will stand before kings, he will not stand before unknown men.” The New Testament, in Philippians, talks about the fact that Jesus humbled himself (for the purpose of providing our salvation), but that God exalted Him. In a similar manner, in our service and obedience to God, we ought to be humbling ourselves and glorifying Him, then letting others judge us by what we do and how we live, and letting God do the lifting up in the way that best completes His purpose. Proverbs 3:4 reminds us that a life lived this way brings “favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man.”
For good or for ill, people will draw conclusions about us based on what they observe. Therefore, as leaders, workers, followers, husbands and wives, students and teachers, or in whatever role we find ourselves, we ought to do our best and we ought to do it well. But we shouldn’t need to point it out; rather, we need to model humility along the way. Your work and your actions should be such that people can see what you do, and see for themselves that you do it well, without you needing to arrogantly inflate yourself (and as a follower of Jesus, they should see a reflection of Him in your life at the same time). When that happens, they will be much more likely to appreciate your gifts and accomplishments than to resent them. So I will say the same thing to you that my dad said to me: If you’re good, you don’t have to tell people, they’ll tell you.
In this “Be A Better Leader” series of website articles and podcasts, I am talking about a variety of attributes, characteristics, and skills that are essential to effective leadership, and discussing how they are reflected in practice. I have grouped these things into five categories of what a leader ought to be, which is why I am labeling them as the “Be-attitudes of Better Leadership.” These five categories are: “Be Genuine,” “Be Relational,” “Be Trustworthy,” Be Knowledgeable,” and “Be Excellent.” Today in part 2, I am exploring the first category, “Be Genuine,” and more specifically, I am talking about the importance of being an example. Here is the transcript of the podcast.
Early in my marriage, my wife and my mother were having a conversation about me (always a scary thought), when my wife commented about how annoying it was that I would wiggle my feet while I went to sleep, which of course made it difficult for her to fall asleep. My mother replied, “His dad does the same thing!” What was most interesting to me about this was that I was not even aware (consciously, at least) that this was one of my dad’s habits.
Years later, when we lived in another state, my parents came to visit, and while there, my dad came to see me at work. It didn’t take long for my extroverted father to disappear in search of other conversations, and after a while, one of my coworkers stepped into my office and asked if my father happened to be visiting. When I asked what made him say that – knowing that he had not met my father – he said, “Because I just saw someone who walks exactly like you . . . and like your son.” These two events illustrated for me the realization of how much I had followed my father’s example (whether I was aware of it or not), and how much my son, in turn, was following mine.
This is true for all of us – we are examples, whether we consciously realize it or not. People watch us, especially people that are close to us or are following us. And when they watch us, they learn from our example, and emulate what we do, in some form or another. That’s why it doesn’t actually work for us to tell our children to “do as I say and not as I do,” because the truth is, they are going to do what we do regardless of what we say.
Knowing the power of our example, the Apostle Peter gives it some attention in the book of I Peter. In fact, he specifically talks about our example in the context of leadership, but before we get there, let’s get a broader view of the whole book of I Peter, because it helps our understanding. In the first four chapters, Peter seems to spend a lot of time talking about the importance of serving others in humility. Most of this instruction is applied to specific relationships and circumstances (such as the relationship between citizen and government, husband and wife, employer and employee, Christian brothers and sisters, and so on), but is also connected back in some way to our call to glorify God and reflect Christ in everything we do. He also clearly says that having this kind of conduct and character will not always be received well, and, in fact, may bring persecution and suffering, but to do it anyway . . . because our motive is always outside of ourselves: again, so that God can be glorified and Christ can be modeled
In this context of serving, humility, and representing Jesus, Peter says in chapter 5, verses 1-3:
“1To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed: 2 Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; 3 not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.”
Peter says that those who are leaders have a responsibility to watch over and care for the people they lead. When I read how he describes that, it sounds to me like it is an obligation that should not be done out of obligation! He says we are to do this not because we have to, but because we want to; not for what we can get out of it, but for what we can give; and not to climb the ladder or exert power, but to serve as an example of what we are trying to grow. He says that we need to lead with a positive, selfless, and giving attitude, while living an authentic example in front of them.
You see, as a leader you ought to be caring for the people you lead, but you shouldn’t do it for what you can get out of it, rather, you should do it because it is the right thing to do. In doing so, you provide an example that will shape and influence them far more than you realize, because they are watching you and they will imitate you. In the end, your recognition and reward is beyond the material and temporal gains, but will instead be the lifetime reward of developing people, and the eternal reward of glorifying God. Therefore, as a leader: be an example to the flock.