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Podcast Episode 41 (part 14): Pairs in Review

This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part fourteen in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader

When we started this series, I began by pointing out that there are often two different, or even opposing, approaches to leadership that both have elements of truth. For example, when working with a team, it is important to have a variety of strengths within the team that work together well while filling in gaps. But on the other hand, sometimes the team is not there (or the work you are doing is by yourself), and you don’t have that luxury, so you have to become competent at the things that are more difficult for you to do so that you can fill in your own gaps. Or, on the one hand, It is important for you to focus on your own leadership strengths so that they become even better, because a lack of exercise in those areas will lead to diminished strength. But on the other hand, at the same time, you still need to identify the things that are challenging for you, or are not in your wheelhouse, or not things you enjoy, and work to strengthen those to a greater level of ability so that you can do them when necessary. Failing to do that will likely cause important things to be neglected, which will have consequences.

These serve as examples of the point we were making in this series, that there are leadership principles and practices that may seem to be contradictory to each other but which are actually both true, depending on the need or the circumstance. So before you choose one or the other, perhaps you should first think about the valuable lessons found in both and figure out how to apply them cooperatively. 

Now coming back full circle, that’s what we did in the last few weeks. Specifically, we identified and discussed six sets of complementary contradictions as pairs of principles that play well together, with the purpose of helping you become a better leader by incorporating both pieces of advice, not just one or the other.

The first pair that we looked at was that you tend to see what you are looking for, but not see what you are not looking for.  What that means is that it is our tendency to see what we are looking for, and then to only see what reinforces the belief that has been formed by what we saw, which leads to forming perceptions that can color our view. To change those perceptions requires intentional work. Check yourself, to make sure that you are seeing things correctly and that you not letting a single experience, misinformation, or incomplete information become the filter through which you are viewing everything. At the same time, it’s fairly easy to miss things that you are not looking for. You need to recognize that tendency and then remove any expectations of what you think you might see. After that, you can work at zooming out and zooming in (which was the second pair of principles we discussed – to step back and take a wide-angle look at everything followed by looking at more specific details, and finally you can try to look through different eyes, by trying to see through the approach or perspective of other people or other angles.

The second pair we looked at was the matched skills of zooming out and zooming in, and we compared it seeing both the forest and the trees. A good leader needs to be able to see the whole forest, or the big picture. Like puzzle pieces, each piece of the context, the environment, the organization, or the situation fits into a larger context, and you can best see how it fits when viewing the whole picture. In order to see the whole picture, you, as a leader, must be able to get on the balcony, zoom out, and get above the forest to be able to see clearly. Being able to do this will keep you from getting lost among the trees, and will provide the perspective necessary to implement changes and adjustments. Therefore, at the same time, you need to be able to get in among the trees and see how they are connected. You will be more effective if you can learn to connect the dots.  See the trees, find the connections, and use those connections to make decisions that will result in positive changes and improvements, decisions that will move you and the organization forward. 

The third pair we looked at was what happens when a plan comes together, but then what to do when a plan falls apart. For this pair, we used the analogy of a road map to illustrate the importance of a strategic plan. We established the importance of having an intentional and methodical process for assessing where you are, determining where you need to be, and drawing the map that shows how you will get there. The map is your plan, and therefore it is crucial for getting from here to there without getting lost. So when you are stepping into a new situation, facing a need for change and growth, have carried out or completed the last strategic plan, or have simply stagnated . . . it’s time for a plan to come together. However, sometimes (to continue the road trip map analogy), the car breaks down, there is road construction and detours, or the rest stop is closed. Everything you planned out starts to fall apart, and you have to figure out what to do. You may have had the best of intentions, but it just doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Now it’s time to accept the circumstances and move forward and make adjustments and corrections, or start over, or throw it all out and move on to something else. Regardless of what you decide, it’s time to do something different.

That leads to the fourth pair, where I said to do what works . . . until it doesn’t, and then do something different. First, be intentional about doing what works (which is generally evident in the results). Don’t be afraid of allowing the people who would know best to have input, and remember to periodically assess and analyze because we do need to make sure that what we are doing still works. But don’t change for the sake of change when what you have is working. However, if what you have is not working, don’t keep doing it. Life throws curve balls, and much of what happens around us and to us is unpredictable. Try as we might to prevent it or avoid it, change happens, and if we are not willing and able to have a degree of flexibility, we will be frustrated, disappointed, and defeated. Therefore, to be an effective leader, you must be able to be flexible, willing to give up control (specifically, over those things that you can’t control), and willing to do something different with a positive (not a defeated) attitude, and willing to learn to become more creative.

With the fifth pair, I talked about being a teacher, but first being teachable. To be an effective teacher, you must care, tell, show, and respond. These are all behaviors that can and should characterize you as an effective leader. Perhaps you have already been doing this and didn’t realize that in doing so, you have been a teacher. Perhaps you need to begin to do them. Regardless, remember that good teachers help students to achieve, even beyond what they believed was possible, and so it makes sense that if you can be a leader who teaches, the people you lead will grow, and you will benefit. But first, you must be teachable.  “Teachability” – or, the ability to be teachable – is essential to your growth as a leader. Therefore, humble yourself, study, practice self-reflection, and listen to feedback; all of these practices will help you to learn, but they must be willingly embraced. If you will do so, you will become a more effective – and respected – leader (and teacher), all because you made yourself teachable.

With the sixth and final pair, I focused on the two sides of communication, giving and receiving information, when I said to first close your mouth and use your ears, then to open your mouth and use your words. It is easy for a leader to assume that leadership means taking charge and giving direction. However, I believe that these principles from Scripture give us a very different picture: leadership should be characterized by listening. Ask questions. Make it safe for people to share. Validate. Make sure you get the whole story before you react. Close your mouth, open your ears, and listen. But then we need to talk as well as we listen. To do that, we must be intentional about what and how we communicate, to ensure that our words are meeting the needs of our listeners. Make sure that we are communicating information that our followers need to hear, that we are doing it often and accurately, and that we are using stories for the context. Then, when that happens, our words will fill in the page in front of them with the information that will be best for their growth and their performance. Be quick to listen, but then be careful to use your words well.

At the outset of the series, the goal in front of us was to see how these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and can play well together so that you can use them to become a better leader. There are many situations you will face, many dilemmas to resolve, many choices to make, and many circumstances to address. Over the last 14 weeks, we’ve looked carefully at these six pairs so that we can learn lessons about how to lead well. The next step is up to you. Learn how to handle the challenges of leadership even better by putting these ideas together in your decision-making process. Applying these complimentary contradictions in practice will make you a better leader.

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Complementary Contradictions (part 14): Pairs in Review

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of a coin, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. Over the last 14 weeks, we have looked at 6 different pairs of ideas, and today we are going go back and do a quick review of them all.

Pair #1 – You see what you’re looking for, and you don’t see what you’re not looking for

The point we made with this pair was that, whether we realize it or not, we all develop perceptions of how we need to experience the world around us. Those perceptions tend to be based on either past experience, future expectation, or a combination of both. We either have an experience – positive or negative, real or imagined – or we have a specific expectation that we are anticipating, and we then form a perception based on which we look for a certain outcome, and only see the things that confirm that outcome. Consciously or not, we decide what we are looking for, and only see what affirms or confirms what we expect to see.

At the same time, and although we believe we notice everything (especially if we are looking) we tend to miss a lot of what is right in front of us, primarily because we are not looking for that specific thing in that specific way. When I am looking to see or find something, without realizing it, I am expecting it to look a certain way or be in a certain place, so I then overlook it when it is not in that place, or it looks different than what I remember or expect. Because our tendency is to only see what we are looking for, it takes a conscious effort to see things that we are not looking for.

Pair #2 – Zoom out and see the forest, and zoom in and see the trees

You have heard the saying, “You can’t see the forest for the trees,” and that was our primary metaphor for these contradictory, complementary ideas; contradictory in that you cannot do both things at the same time – see the forest AND see the trees – and complimentary in that you have to go back and forth – look at the forest, then at the trees, and back to the forest – repeatedly in order to successfully navigate where you are going and what you are doing.

The point we made with this pair was first about taking the time to see and understand the big picture. In successful leadership, you need to be able to get above the clouds and see the whole picture before you can drop back down to ground level and begin the process of directing, guiding, leading, and moving. If you don’t zoom out first, you won’t know where you are, you won’t know where you’re going, and you will end up someplace else. You can’t see the forest and the trees at the same time, so start by first zooming out to see the whole picture. But then, you need to zoom in to connect the dots, and identify and manage the details. And then make it a cyclical pattern in your leadership.

Pair #3 – When a plan comes together, and when a plan falls apart

With this pair, we applied the analogy of using a map for a road trip to show the importance of having an intentional and methodical process for assessing where you are, determining where you need to be, and drawing the map that shows how you will get there. The map is your plan, and therefore it is crucial for getting from here to there without getting lost. If you do it well, you will experience the joy of arriving at the destination that you have been eagerly anticipating. However, sometimes (to continue the road trip map analogy), the car breaks down, there is road construction and detours, or the rest stop is closed. Everything you planned out starts to fall apart, and you have to figure out what to do. You may have had the best of intentions, but it just doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

When that happens, what is most often going to be the best answer is to decide to accept reality and learn from it. At that point, the best thing you can do . . . is to do things differently, or start again, or make adjustments and corrections, or even throw it all out and move on to something else. Regardless of what happened, your plans fell apart. Sometimes the best of intentions come to naught, and all you can do is accept the circumstances and move forward.

Pair #4 – Do what works, or do something different

We began this pair by talking about the importance of figuring out what works, starting to do it, and continuing to do it. It’s been said that there is no need to reinvent the wheel, and what that means for you as a leader is that you don’t need to create a new plan and a new way of doing something every time you have to repeat the task or program. You don’t need to change something just for the sake of change, or because you think you know better even though you don’t have any data to support your idea. You may want to tweak the current strategy or tool to improve it, but you don’t need to start from scratch. You find what works and do it repeatedly . . . until you find that it doesn’t work.

If what you are doing didn’t work, is no longer working, or has never worked, it’s ok to scrap it and do something different. Don’t exercise insanity. Rather, step back onto the balcony to reassess the big picture, then zoom back in to make changes (the second pair of principles we talked about above). Then, make changes or start over. The bottom line is that you need to do what works, so if something is working, don’t change it (but make sure you evaluate it periodically to ensure that it is continuing to work the way that it should). However if, or when, it is not working, the best answer may simply be . . . do something different.

Pair #5 – Become a teacher, but first be teachable

This pair of principles focused on teaching, beginning with the understanding that you are a teacher. What I said was that you are already a teacher, even if you didn’t realize it, because you are modeling with your life, your actions, and your words, and others are learning from what they see you do and hear you say. I encouraged you, therefore, to be consciously intentional about those things. Own the fact that you are a teacher to your followers and do it with purpose.

However, in order to truly be an effective teacher, you yourself must first be teachable, because that attribute is one of the defining characteristics of a great teacher. You are already a teacher. If you want to be a great one, then you need to want to be teachable just as much as you want to be a teacher. So, humble yourself, open yourself up to receiving feedback, and be willing to honestly self-evaluate. Then, take that feedback and self-reflection, and grow. 

Pair #6 – Close your mouth and use your ears, then open your mouth and use your words

With this pair of principles, we focused on the understanding that communication is a two-way street, involving both the sending and receiving of information (otherwise known as talking and listening). In my observation – and likely in yours – most people tend to do far more talking than listening. That’s why one half of this discussion is that one of the skills necessary for effective leadership (and for healthy relationships) is the ability to listen well. We need to be quicker to hear than to speak (James 1:19), and we need to be careful to hear the whole story (Proverbs 18:13). In other words, close your mouth, use your ears, and listen.

However, while this is definitely true, it does not mean that we can neglect the other side of that street – we also need to be good talkers. Good communication involves both talking and listening, and so even though we tend to do one (talking) to the neglect of the other (listening), we can’t ignore either one. Yes, listening is crucial to effective leadership, but so is the other side of the communication pathway – talking. We need to do them both well. Put effort into what you say, how you say it, and why you say it. Choose your words with purpose, and express them strategically and carefully. 

At the outset, the goal in front of us was to see how these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and can play well together so that you can use them to become a better leader. There are many situations you will face, many dilemmas to resolve, many choices to make, and many circumstances to address. Over the last 14 weeks, we’ve looked carefully at these six pairs so that we can learn lessons about how to lead well. The next step is up to you. Learn how to handle the challenges of leadership even better by putting these ideas together in your decision-making process. Applying these complimentary contradictions in practice will make you a better leader.

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Podcast Episode 40 (part 13): Open Your Mouth and Use Your Words

This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part thirteen in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. Last week, in part 12, we talked about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and this week, in part 13, we talk about the value of using our words well.

Words matter. The first indication of their importance was evident at the beginning of all things when God created our world. Genesis 1 tells us that God spoke the world into existence. Think about the power of those words! What God said out loud with words is what came into existence. Then, at some point after the creation was completed, we see a negative example when Satan deceived Adam and Eve by twisting the words of God. At the very origin of our world, words were used for great good and for great harm.

And not just the words themselves, but also the context in which they are used and the way in which they are said. In my marriage and family counseling years, I spent a lot of time talking about communication, and one of the points I would make to husbands and wives was that how they said something was often as important as the words that were said. 

Last time on this podcast, we focused on the importance of listening in the communication process, but today, we focus on the other half of that equation – using our words.

Early in my marriage, my wife and went to a social get-together with friends.  At some point in the conversation, I was asked a question, and so I started thinking about what I was asked. In my mind, I began to process the meaning of the question, what the possible answers could be, what the implications of those possible answers would be, what I had learned from my own experience that would apply, and, therefore, what would be a wise response. All of this was going on inside my head while I sat there in silence. Before my thought process finished, however, the conversation had moved on, so I never got to answer.

The next day, when I got home from work, my wife told me that the wife of the person who had asked me the question the night before called her to ask if I was upset at them. When my wife asked why she thought that, the other person said that it was because I had a serious look on my face and hadn’t answered the question, so they assumed I was upset. I wasn’t, but they didn’t know that because I had not used any words. My wife said something to me then that I never forgot, and I have used it repeatedly over the years. She said, “Jeff, if you give people a blank page, they will write their own story.” I learned in that experience that it’s not just important to listen; it’s also important to talk.

The point is that you need to use words. Last week I referenced the “grandma-ism” that “God gave you one mouth and two ears so that you would listen twice as much as you talk,” but don’t neglect the fact that God still gave you a mouth, and so you still do need to talk; you just need to do it wisely. People want to know that they have been heard, which is why it is important that you listen carefully, but they generally can’t tell that they have actually been heard if they don’t get a response. Therefore, you need to communicate with words. In the website article that parallels this podcast, I talked about the content of the words you use, and what it is that people need to hear, but the underlying idea is that they need to hear from you.

What this really means is that you need to cultivate your skill at using your words intentionally. The words “skill” and “intentionally” are important words in that sentence. To make sure that this happens, I see three important qualifiers for the words you use:

1) “Sparingly” – use your words sparingly. An abundance of words can cloud or confuse your message. You probably know the acronym K.I.S.S., which I learned means, “Keep it simple, stupid!” Your words are valuable, so don’t throw them all over the place and cheapen their value.

2) “Carefully” – use your words carefully. Proverbs 25:11 talks about words being like “apples of gold in settings of silver,” but it also talks about the power of words to harm in Proverbs 18:21. Therefore, it is important that your words are chosen and used in a way that benefits the listener.

3) “Purposefully” – use your words purposefully. Your words need to be used to accomplish a specific purpose, and so it matters which words you use, and how you use them. 

The bottom line is that communication truly is a two-way street. Yes, listen well, but also communicate clearly and with purpose. Put effort into what you say, how you say it, and why you say it. Choose your words with purpose, and express them strategically and carefully. 

 As a final recommendation on this topic, I would encourage you to do a study in the book of Proverbs on the use of words. Read a chapter a day for 3 months (you will end up reading through the book of Proverbs 3 times if you do this), and make note of every verse you come across that talks about your words. At the end of the three months, read through those specific verses and form an organized description of the main ideas that you learn from them. Remind yourself of it often and make it a part of who you are. Learn to open your mouth and use your words well.

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Complementary Contradictions (part 13): Open Your Mouth and Use Your Words

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of a coin, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. Last week, in part 12, we talked about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and this week, in part 13, we are talking about the value of using our words well.

It’s fairly common knowledge (and common sense) that communication is a two-way street, involving both the sending and receiving of information (otherwise known as talking and listening). In. my observation – and likely in yours – most people tend to do far more talking than listening. That’s why the other side of this discussion is that one of the skills necessary for effective leadership (and for healthy relationships) is the ability to listen well. We need to be quicker to hear than to speak (James 1:19), and we need to be careful to hear the whole story (Proverbs 18:13). As we said last time, close your mouth, use your ears, and listen.

However, while this is definitely true, it does not mean that we can neglect the other side of that street – we also need to be good talkers. Good communication involves both talking and listening, and so even though we tend to do one (talking) to the neglect of the other (listening), we can’t ignore either one. Yes, listening is crucial to effective leadership, but so is the other side of the communication pathway – talking. We need to do them both well. That leads us to the importance of opening your mouth, using your words, and speaking intentionally.

I am, by nature, a reflective thinker, so I generally process my thoughts for a while before responding to people. What that looks like inside my head is, “Hmmm, let me think about that so that I can give you a very good answer,” but what it looks like to other people is, “Did he even hear a word that I said?” My wife humorously describes this thought process in my head as a train that is circling the tracks and eventually comes back around to the train station. So when my children ask me a question, and I haven’t answered yet, she will say, “Be patient children, the train is on its way back to the station.”

Although we joke about my train, recognizing this has helped me to understand that I have to verbally tell people that I am processing their questions, input, or ideas. I have learned that I need to tell people, out loud, that I have heard them, and that I am thinking through what they said. They need to hear me speak. Why is that so? I think the answer comes from something else that I have often heard my wife say – if you give people a blank page, they will write in their own perceptions and ideas. If you don’t give people information that they need to know, or let them know that they have been heard, they will form their own conclusions which may or may not be true, and which will likely have to be addressed and/or corrected, which in turn makes your job of communicating that much more difficult.

Therefore, even though listening is a critical skill that we must develop, we also must learn to speak. I am not talking about the skill of public speaking (although that is something that also ought to be developed in our leadership) but about the simple act of communicating our thoughts, ideas, vision, and responses. We have to talk to people, and we must do it in a way that lets them feel heard, gives them understanding, enlists their support, and provides information that they need. In order to do this well, there are three needs that must be met by our words.

First, people need to feel informed. No one likes to be surprised with information, especially if they will be impacted by the circumstances or the information. It is, therefore, important that they know what is happening around them. As you lead your organization or your team, there will be changes that you need to implement, strategies that you need to develop, and obstacles that you need to navigate. During those experiences, you need to communicate what is happening and what you are doing. And it is especially important that you communicate information to someone if you are obligating his or her participation. If they will be required to contribute or participate and they have not been properly informed, they will resist. So the bottom line is that you must be sure to communicate well and communicate much.

Second, people need an active, accurate data stream of information. They will generally believe what they hear most repeatedly, and so if you do not make sure that the information they receive is accurate and frequent, people will begin to believe things that are not true or will form perceptions that can be detrimental to your direction. And once perceptions are formed, they can be hard to change. The information that people will be exposed to will often come from other sources besides you – the gossip of coworkers, the opinions of friends and relatives, the advertising of competitors – so you will need to make sure that they are repeatedly hearing true information.

Third, people need to hear stories. Stories make cold facts become relatable, memorable, and more believable. They provide handles for information so that they can remember what is important and can share it with others. As Steve Gruenert and Todd Whitaker say in School Culture Rewired (2015), “Stories are the currency of a culture – they are the most effective means of transferring information from one person to another” (p. 38). It follows, then, that leaders should become good storytellers, able to put information in the context of a story that they tell. When you do that, people are more likely to listen and understand and will have a better grasp of the information that you share.

So, the conclusion should be that we need to talk as well as we listen. To do that, we must be intentional about what and how we communicate, to ensure that our words are meeting the needs of our listeners. Make sure that we are communicating information that our followers need to hear, that we are doing it often and accurately, and that we are using stories for the context. Then, when that happens, our words will fill in the page in front of them with the information that will be best for their growth and their performance. Be quick to listen, but then be careful to use your words well.

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Podcast Episode 39 (part 12): Close Your Mouth and Open Your Ears

This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part twelve in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, in part 12, we talk about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and next week, in part 13, we will talk about the value of using our words well.

It’s no secret that communication is essential to healthy relationships. Everyone understands that poor communication will damage marriages, derail businesses, and destroy friendships. And yet, so many people struggle to communicate in a way that is good for those relationships and contexts. If, therefore, we understand how important it is, and also understand how hard it is to do it well, we ought to be intentional about how we do it.  And at its core, communication is a two-way street that consists of sending and receiving. In other words, the two most basic components of the communication process are what we say and what we hear. Today, we’re talking about the importance of what we hear; or, the importance of listening.

 I’m going to share the same story I shared in the website article that coincides with this podcast episode, about an organization in which I worked and in which I made a spectacular blunder that loudly and clearly drove the lesson of listening home to me. Here’s what happened. I was leading a small group of event planners in planning for one specific event, and everyone in the group (except me) had been involved in that organization for several years. They knew the culture and traditions that had been part of the organizational history, and I did not. However, as the new leader, I felt that I should take charge of presenting good ideas, so I began the first meeting by taking charge . . . and by taking charge, what I really mean is that I began telling the rest of the group all of my ideas. I was so excited about it that I wasn’t even paying attention to how my ideas were being received.

My enthusiasm and lack of hearing, combined with the fact that I had not yet established trust or relationship, resulted in the rest of the group shutting down while giving verbal support to my ideas. However, over the next few days I began to hear from others that the entire committee was frustrated with me, and the event was now in jeopardy. When I realized what had happened, I had to go back to the committee and apologize for speaking without listening, and then I had to make it safe for them to talk; and not just talk, but feel heard. When I did that, I learned about the history and tradition associated with that event and could see that I had been on the verge of causing damage to the culture. I needed to take the time to listen, understand history, and get the whole story, but I had not done that.

In this circumstance, my mouth was open, my ears were closed, and I wasn’t listening. Because of that, I wasn’t hearing what I needed to hear. I wasn’t hearing with my eyes because I was only focused on myself, so I didn’t see the facial expressions or gestures that would have clued me in to their response. I wasn’t hearing with my ears, largely because my behavior made it unsafe for them to speak up. I needed to hear from them, but I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t listening, and so I nearly caused a complete break in trust that would have led to likely irreparable damage to our relationship.

That blunder that I made is a great example of something that many of us struggle with. Even though, as our grandparents likely said to us when we were little, “God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk,” it seems like our tendency is to talk twice as much as we listen. We focus more on our own ideas, or on what we have to offer, or what we’re going to do, and then miss the signs from other people. As I talked about in a couple of the episodes earlier in this series, you tend to see what you’re looking for, and you tend not to see what you are not looking for. Applied to today’s topic, what that means is that we tend not to hear what other people are communicating because we are only paying attention to what we are communicating.

All of this points to the crucial importance that we learn to shut up and listen. One of my favorite verses in Proverbs is 18:13, which says, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” In other words, we can appear foolish when we open our mouths to speak before we first open our ears to listen.

The bottom line is that good communication is essential to good leadership. Listening well is essential to good communication. As you learned in math class, if a=b and b=c, then a=c. Therefore, it makes sense that listening well is essential to good leadership. So be intentional about learning to listen. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Seek feedback, but make sure you hear it. Pay attention to what other people are saying, and to how they appear to be responding to you. Good leaders know when to close their mouths, open their ears, and listen.

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Complementary Contradictions (part 12): Close Your Mouth and Use Your Ears

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of a coin, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, in part 12, we talk about the importance of using our ears more than our mouths, and next week, in part 13, we will talk about the value of using our words well.

Early in my experience as an educator, I heard my administrator say to parents (tongue-in-cheek), “If you don’t believe half of what your students say happened in the classroom, we won’t believe half of what they tell us happened at home.” Like many humorous comments, this contains a morsel of truth. People have a tendency to represent facts in such a way as to paint themselves in the best possible light, and children are no different. Often over the years, I have fielded phone calls from parents who were contacting me because of what their child said happened in class (things like, “My child told me that the teacher said this in class!”). I quickly learned to redirect their concern to the teacher, so that the parent could hear the whole story. Nearly every time, the parent has come back to me and said, “Now that I have the whole story, it makes a lot more sense.” (And most of the time, the story the child told at home was an effort to cover up or misdirect from wrong choices of behavior made by the student in the classroom.)

There are two particular passages in Scripture that have greatly helped me to understand this idea. One is Proverbs 18:13, which says, “He who answers a matter before he hears the facts—it is folly and shame to him” (Amplified Bible). The Message says it even more plainly: “Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.” This verse was first shared with me by a professor when I was completing a marriage and family counseling internship, as an exhortation to probe and question thoroughly before drawing conclusions in the counseling setting. For quite a while, I literally kept the verse written on a notecard, taped on top of my desk, as a reminder. I have since learned that this verse applies to many circumstances, not just to a counseling session. When you deal with people (and most of us do), you will have the experience of people telling you the story from their own perspective, which will likely mean that it may or may not be true. It is foolish and stupid to react or respond without first getting the whole story.

The second verse is James 1:19, which says, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” As many grandparents have shared with their grandchildren, “There’s a reason why God gave us two ears and one mouth; we should listen twice as much as we speak!” This verse has been a constant reminder to me to be careful to listen first, although, in the process of my growth as a leader, it was a lesson that sometimes came the hard way.

In one organization in which I worked, I made a spectacular blunder that loudly and clearly drove this lesson home to me. I was leading a small group of event planners in planning for one specific event, and everyone in the group (except me) had been involved in that organization for several years. As the leader, I felt that I should take charge of presenting good ideas, so I began the first meeting by telling the rest of the group all of my ideas. My enthusiasm (combined with the fact that I had not yet established trust or relationship) resulted in the rest of the group shutting down while giving verbal support to my ideas. However, over the next few days I began to hear from others that the entire committee was frustrated with me, and the event was now in jeopardy. I had to go back to the committee and apologize for speaking without listening, and then I had to make it safe for them to talk. When I did that, I learned about the history and tradition associated with that event and could see that I had been on the verge of causing damage to the culture. I needed to take the time to listen, understand history, and get the whole story.

The added bonus of this lesson is that when you take the time to learn the whole story, you are much more likely to be able to discern what is true and what is not. In Deuteronomy 18:21-22, Moses provided some direction to the people of Israel to help them understand how to discern this, when he said, “And if you say in your heart, ‘How may we know the word that the Lord has not spoken?’— when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the word does not come to pass or come true, that is a word that the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously. You need not be afraid of him.” He made the point that if you take the time to observe and get the whole story, beginning to end, you can tell if it is truth or not.

It is easy for a leader to assume that leadership means taking charge and giving direction. However, I believe that these principles from Scripture give us a very different picture: leadership should be characterized by listening. Ask questions. Make it safe for people to share. Validate. Make sure you get the whole story before you react. Close your mouth, open your ears, and listen.

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Podcast Episode 38 (part 11): But First . . . Be Teachable

This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part eleven in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. Last week, in part 10, we talked about becoming a teacher, and this week, in part 11, is a reminder that before you can teach, you must first be teachable.

We started our discussion of this pair of principles last time when we talked about becoming a teacher. What I said was that you are already a teacher, even if you didn’t realize it, because you are modeling with your life, your actions, and your words, and others are learning from what they see you do and hear you say. I encouraged you, therefore, to be consciously intentional about those things. Own the fact that you are a teacher to your followers and do it with purpose. However, today, I want you to back up a little bit because in order to truly be an effective teacher, you yourself must first be teachable.

 One of my responsibilities as a school administrator was to evaluate faculty and to provide guidance and support in their professional growth. The vast majority of teachers I have worked with were committed to personal and professional growth and were always pursuing ways to change, improve, and develop. They would listen to my feedback, and look for ways to incorporate that feedback, as well as look for new ideas from other sources, like books, conferences, workshops, or their peers. But that has not always been the case.

One of those cases was a teacher who had a number of years of experience at that school and in that subject, and I was new in my role as their head of school. As I took time to meet with parents (and employees) to learn about the school and started to formulate a plan for my leadership there, I kept hearing from the parents about the challenges their students would have with this one particular teacher. I began observing and meeting with the teacher to see if I saw the same thing that was concerning parents, and I did. So, I prepared a plan of growth to help this teacher. When we met and I started going through the concerns I kept hearing and what we could do to address those concerns (and, therefore, serve students well), I was met with denial and blame-shifting.  I kept hearing about how it was the fault of the students, who didn’t want to learn, or the fault of the parents, who only listened to the kids’ side of the story, or the fault of the curriculum that the school had provided, or the fault of the administration who was not being supportive. There was no willingness to accept responsibility, and so there was also no willingness to learn, change, and grow. Ultimately, this teacher was let go, not because of the ability to teach, but because of the inability to be teachable.

 The missing piece for this teacher’s ability to be effective as a teacher was teachability. That begs the question of what was needed to be done in order to reflect teachability. Think about what we talked about in the corresponding podcast and website article about being a teacher, which was the idea that we are already teachers, because we influence others by our actions and words, by modeling and giving feedback, so that we can help others learn and grow. It makes sense, then, that being teachable is simply the other side of those practices. The other side of modeling by example is observing what others do; the other side of giving feedback and instruction is receiving feedback and correction; and the other side of pursuing growth in others is seeking to learn and grow ourselves from what we see and what we hear.

That kind of teachability requires humility, self-awareness, and personal responsibility. You must be confident enough to acknowledge that you don’t know everything and that you have a lot to learn; you must become aware of your own deficiencies and growth areas, even if you don’t want to admit it; and you must own the responsibility for what happens even if you are not the primary cause. When you do those things, you enable yourself to become teachable. When you become teachable, you enable yourself to grow.

Here’s what you need to know: in order to grow, you must be teachable. That is often harder than it seems, because it can be so difficult for us to accept our faults and deficiencies, whether that be because of pride, shame, perfectionism, or a need to please. To be teachable, therefore, requires that:

  1. You must be willing to seek and receive feedback, and then see and accept where you need to grow, even if it hurts. Proverbs 15:31 says that “the ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise.”
  2. You must be careful to listen and self-evaluate before you jump to a defensive reaction. James 1:19 tells us, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to get angry.”

 The bottom line is that a great teacher is also teachable. You are already a teacher. If you want to be a great one, then you need to want to be teachable just as much as you want to be a teacher. So humble yourself, open yourself up to receiving feedback, and be willing to honestly self-evaluate.  Then, take that feedback and self-reflection, and grow. 

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Complementary Contradictions (part 11): But First, Be Teachable

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of a coin, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. Last week, in part 10, we talked about becoming a teacher, and this week, in part 11, is a reminder that before you can teach, you must first be teachable.

When I was a college student, I attended a seminar that was led by a graduate student as he presented the appeal and the opportunities in his field of study, which was theology. In the course of his presentation, he shared the viewpoint that, in order to become someone able to be used by God for greatness, you needed to be characterized by the acronym F.A.T.: Faithful, Available, and Teachable. I do believe that these characteristics ought to be exhibited by any and every Christian in their relationship with God, but I also think that they ought to reflect our growth in our leadership. Particularly, I believe that becoming teachable is absolutely essential to – and in direct proportion to – our level of growth and our capacity to lead.

But don’t take my word for it; listen to the wisdom of others. Albert Einstein is generally considered to have been a man of great genius, so it might be easy to assume that, in his brilliance, there was little else he could learn and much that he could teach. While it would be true that he had a wealth of knowledge to share, he strongly believed that he was and always would be learning. He is known to have said, “I have no special talent; I am only passionately curious,” and to have also stated, “It is not that I’m so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.” More famously, Einstein is attributed with having said, “Once you stop learning, you start dying.”

He was not the only person to share that sentiment. Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, once said, “I don’t think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.” Henry Ford, the founder of the Ford Motor Company, stated, “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.” John Rooney, American sportscaster, and radio announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, reportedly said, “The quickest way to become an old dog is to stop learning new tricks.” And Jackie Joyner Kersee, world class Olympic athlete in track and field, claimed, “I maintained my edge by always being a student; you will always have something new to learn.” These individuals all reflect the same sentiment: in order to grow, you have to learn; and in order to learn, you have to be teachable.

The truth is, to be a successful leader, you must be teachable. If you are not teachable, you will not learn, and therefore, you will not grow and become a more effective leader. On the surface, it is that simple. However, this is actually more challenging than it may appear, because often those who are not teachable do not recognize it, and even more often, our own pride, competitiveness, defensiveness, or self-centeredness leads us to resist acknowledging our need to learn. Therefore, becoming teachable requires humility and a conscious and intentional effort, learning to exhibit specific attributes and incorporate specific behaviors that help us to learn.

At its core, the skill of becoming teachable can be condensed to a few necessary attributes and action steps, and these can be even more simplified to reflect the two more basic skills of looking and listening. Looking involves what you choose to see, listening involves what you choose to hear, and both are directly impacted by how you choose to interpret what you see and hear. Essentially, to become teachable, you will need to follow the rule you learned as a child about crossing a busy street (or the line from Elvis Presley’s Rubberneckin’) – you need to stop, look, and listen!

First, stop and look, and there are two things that help you be more teachable by looking: study and humility. We study by reading, watching, asking questions, and learning from the wisdom and experience of others. It requires intentional study of the what’s, why’s, and how’s of life and the world around us. In doing so, we add to our base of knowledge and gain a greater understanding of the practical application and use of that knowledge. Humility is our attitude, one that makes us willing to accept our own inadequacies, deficiencies, ignorance, and failures, so that we are then also willing to learn from those mistakes and willing to learn from others.

I saw this in myself in an experience years ago. My family was having a get-together at my parents’ home, and while we were sitting around the dinner table, my dad made a comment about someday wanting to build a deck on the back of the house. One of my two brothers suggested that we do it the next day, because there likely would be very few times that we would all be together at the same time again. So, my dad sketched out the plans, and the next morning we went to the lumber store, picked up all the supplies, and then the four of us proceeded to spend the next eight hours building a large deck. What a great memory! When we were all finished, my dad commented on how he could see certain attributes of each of our personalities throughout the process. One of the observations that he made about me was that I was constantly asking questions, trying to understand why we were doing things in a certain way, and learning from the experience. That observation was an accurate reflection; with an investigative nature, I have long known that you learn a lot by observing and asking questions.

Second, stop and listen, and there are also two things that help you be more teachable by listening: reflection and feedback. Reflection is an internal skill and habit in which we step back from our actions to think about them and analyze them, honestly assessing their effectiveness and appropriateness so that we can learn, adjust, and improve ourselves. Feedback is the input that comes from other people and from the consequences of our actions. It may be unsolicited, coming in both positive (like the complement you receive when you share a good idea at work) and negative forms (such as the words or gestures that are “shared” with you when you accidentally cut another car off on the road), or it may be intentionally solicited or provided, in the form of guidance, mentoring, and assessment. Either way, it is something from which you should learn (even the harshest criticism can potentially create some truth to be learned).

One particularly difficult experience helped me with this. My boss had called me into a meeting, and I knew that he had called for the meeting because he was unhappy with something I had done, and therefore this meeting would be a confrontation that I was not looking forward to enduring. As I shared my dread with my father, he challenged me to envision that God would be standing behind my boss, acting in much the same way as a ventriloquist, and to look past the angry words and tone and instead look for the message that God was trying to teach me. That’s not what I wanted to hear from my dad (I wanted him to affirm that my boss was all wrong and that I shouldn’t have to go through this), and his counsel did not make the meeting any more enjoyable, but it did change my response and allowed me to learn some things that I needed to learn in spite of the way in which the message was delivered. It was a hard lesson, but I learned some things that day about listening to feedback, both from my dad and from my boss.

You see, “teachability” – or, the ability to be teachable – is essential to your growth as a leader. Humble yourself, study, practice self-reflection, and listen to feedback; all of these practices will help you to learn, but they must be willingly embraced. If you will do so, you will become a more effective – and respected – leader, all because you made yourself teachable.

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Podcast Episode 37 (part 10): Become A Teacher, Because You Already Are

This week’s episode builds on Monday’s article, part ten in the series titled “Complementary Contradictions.” Here is the transcript of the podcast.

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of the same coin, or at least differ from each other, and we are pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, in part 10, we talk about becoming a teacher, and next week, in part 11, is a reminder that before you can teach, you must first be teachable.

We are pairing together two sides of the learning process: the teacher and the student. One side is responsible for cultivating growth in the other, and the other side is responsible for receiving and responding in order to cultivate growth in him or herself. As a teacher, your goal is to help others grow and develop. As a student, or learner, your goal is to continue to grow and develop yourself. Both of these are significant to your leadership, because they impact the kind of leader (and person) you are, and they impact the people you lead.

 In my first year as a teacher, I had tremendous enthusiasm and high hopes that I would be the kind of teacher who transforms students. In my mind, I was going to inspire them to love learning, run to my class, and engage with brilliant interactions and genuine, knowledge-seeking questions. And then, day one of year one happened. My image of myself as Edward James Olmos in “Stand and Deliver,” or as Robin Williams in “Dead Poets Society,” crashed into the reality of a classroom of 30 teenagers who didn’t want summer to end and didn’t know me from Adam. In my struggle to engage and challenge them, I set high expectations and worked really hard at being enthusiastic and unconventional. When the time came for me to administer my first test, I was eagerly anticipating seeing my teaching brilliance reflected in their outstanding answers. That’s not what happened. The majority of them . . . bombed the test. And I felt like I was failing as a teacher.

Over the course of the rest of that year, I did become a much better teacher, and continued getting better each year. In fact, in my fourth year of teaching, I was recognized as the teacher of the year in my school.  So, what happened between day one of my first year and the last day of my fourth year? I learned a lot about what it means to be a teacher.

 Here’s what I learned:

  • Teaching happens best in the context of relationship. I once heard someone say, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Truly impactful teaching most often happens when you have connected with the people you are teaching, have cultivated a genuine relationship with them, care about who they are, and they know it.

  • People want to be treated with dignity and respect, affirming their value and worth. In actuality, that is the same as treating them the way that God wants us to. Every person has been created in the image of God and has value to Him, and therefore, should have value to us. So, we need to treat them as such.  Don’t be condescending, sarcastic, or demeaning. Rather, be affirming and loving, and work to help them understand the why behind the what.

  • Students won’t be willing to listen if they don’t believe you and trust you. That only happens when they see that you are sincere and genuine, and that who you say you are and how you actually live and act match up to each other. In other words, they see that you are a person of integrity.  My dad would say, “Your walk talks and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks.”

  • Trust is demonstrated when students are given the freedom and safety to learn and fail. Without that, they close down, as a matter of self-preservation. But when they are empowered to make choices and decisions and are supported and loved, rather than berated or rejected, when those choices turn out to be bad choices, it makes it safe for them to learn from their failure and try again.

When I made these things central to who I was as a teacher, my students responded, engaged, and learned.  The way I said this in the website article that corresponds to this podcast was this: teach with your heart, teach with your words, teach with your life, and teach with your responses.  The wonderful thing about these principles is that they don’t just apply to a classroom teacher.  They apply to anyone who is teaching others, whether that is formally or informally.

Here’s what you need to know, then. You are a teacher whether you are aware of it or not. People are following you, watching you, and listening to you, and they are learning from what they see and hear. That makes you a teacher. It is therefore important that you do it intentionally, so that you, as a teacher, can have the kind of influence you want to have. Pay attention to what you say, how you say it, how you model it, and how you respond to and engage with others.

 Deuteronomy 6 talks about how teaching happens all the time, both formally and informally. The fact is, you are already a teacher, even if you didn’t realize it, because you are modeling with your life, actions, and words, and others are learning from what they see and hear. Don’t let the lessons you teach with your actions, values, and words happen without conscious intent. Since you are already a teacher . . . do it with purpose!

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Complementary Contradictions (part 10): Become a Teacher

Sometimes, you get conflicting words of advice, one which is good and the other which is not, and it requires discernment to determine which is the right advice to follow. But often, these seeming contradictions are, in reality, complementary and, when used appropriately and in the right way, can work together to help you make better decisions. In this series of articles and podcast episodes, we are looking at different leadership ideas or principles that seem to contradict, are opposite sides of a coin, or at least differ from each other and pairing them up to see how they actually complement each other to make you a better leader. This week, in part 10, we talk about becoming a teacher, and next week, in part 11, is a reminder that before you can teach, you must first be teachable.

When we think about teaching, our minds generally go immediately to the role of a classroom teacher in a school. We tend to think of it as an occupation rather than a way to communicate, as a job that someone does as opposed to how you interact with others in a way that helps them to learn something. However, while teachers play an invaluable role in the development of children, we are mistaken if we think that it is a job that is only relegated to someone in a classroom. The reality is that if you lead people, you are a teacher.

I personally have experience in the professional role of educator, having served as a junior high and high school teacher for a number of years, and having spent three decades in a school environment as both teacher and administrator. I had a subject matter that I was responsible for teaching, and my job was to help students learn necessary and relevant information and to develop critical thinking skills. But it also was a vehicle through which I sought to shape the minds and the lives of my students.

Leaders are also seeking to shape the minds and lives of those they lead, and so effective leadership can and should learn some things from the theory and practice of professional educators. Therefore, there is great value in understanding what teaching looks like and how it has an effect on people. Gaining an understanding of this can help us with a framework for how we also can teach others. If we want to become better teachers (and we all should), then we need to look at the learning process and at teachers.

In the book Blended (2015), authors Michael B. Horn and Heather Staker discussed the concept of disruptive innovation and its application to the world of education, especially as it applies to online instruction and blended learning. They made the point that modern schools were originally designed to standardize teaching and testing (the opposite of differentiation and customization), but in today’s global, information-based culture, the need is for student-centered learning, which is personalized (tailored to an individual student’s particular need) and competency-based (they must demonstrate mastery before moving on). As they researched students in the learning environment, they then sought to identify the primary motivators for student learning and found two motivating desires: 1) to feel successful and make progress, and 2) to have fun with friends, engaging in positive, rewarding social experiences with others. In short, they learned that students – the learners – want to successfully achieve, to experience good social relationships, and to receive individualized instruction whereby they can show what they know in the way they do best.

This research gives us some insight into what learners, in general, want to experience, but what about your own experience? Like most people, you can probably think of teachers who made an impact on your life, so we should be asking ourselves what they did that made them stand out to us. When you do that, you will probably find several core practices or behaviors that characterized those impactful teachers: 1) they cared; and specifically, they cared about you, and you knew it; 2) they were examples that you felt you could emulate, because they were models of how to live life effectively and with meaning; 3) they challenged and inspired you, pushing you to do more than you thought you were capable of doing; and 4) they gave you feedback, both positive and negative, to support, encourage, and grow you, but also to hold you accountable and correct you.

Now put these ideas together, those from research and those from your own personal experience, and it will begin to give you a picture of what it means to be a teacher. If you apply this to the people you lead, it will help you to see that they want to progress and achieve, they want to have positive and caring relationships, they want to do what they do well in the way they can do it best, they want someone to show them the way and challenge them to grow, and they want to know how they are doing. And the good news is that you don’t have to be in a classroom to do all of these things.

This provides us with a blueprint, a road map for how we can teach the people we lead, and there are four foundational pillars that make up this plan

  • First, teach with your heart. Develop a genuine care for people. Build relationships by taking a personal interest in their lives and showing that you care about them.
  • Second, teach with your words. Take the time to explain the why and the how, helping people to understand what it is that they are doing and how it connects to the other people and tasks around them in the organization.
  • Third, teach with your life. Live in a way that is consistent with what you say, demonstrating integrity, and keeping your promises. Be an example they can emulate. Show them what you expect by demonstrating and modeling.
  • Finally, teach with your responses. Empower them to act, and then give them support and encouragement, but also give them constructive feedback to help them learn and improve.

In essence, to be an effective teacher, you must care, tell, show, and respond. These are all behaviors that can and should characterize you as an effective leader. Perhaps you have already been doing this and didn’t realize that in doing so, you have been a teacher. Perhaps you need to begin to do them. Regardless, remember that good teachers help students to achieve, even beyond what they believed was possible, and so it makes sense that if you can be a leader who teaches, the people you lead will grow, and you will benefit. Become a teacher.

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